Not To Be Trusted With Knives

This weekend was the Taboo Naughty but Nice Sex Show. It’s held every year and I’ve always wanted to go and so yesterday I finally got around to doing just that. And, I have to say, I was kind of disappointed. I’m not sure what I expected exactly. I guess I just expected more variety. Every single booth seemed to have the same thing – if you were in the market for lube, vibrators, lube, a sexy Catholic school girl outfit or lube, you were in luck. But how many vibrator-lube-sexyCatholicschoolgirloutfit-and-lube booths can one person really look at in an afternoon?

The show is supposed to be like a trade show. And aren’t trade shows supposed to be about showing the newest 1 innovations? I have to say that, based on this show, there really isn’t any innovation in vibrator technology… with the notable exception of the vibrator that attaches to your iPod and then vibrates in time with your music. Seriously.

Other “highlights”2 of the show include:

  • A show on the main stage that I didn’t actually watch, but more was subjected to as I walked by. A show by Blyssful Productions – “Home of Blyss, the World’s Only Dominatrix Clown.” You know, Blyss, there’s a reason why there aren’t any other dominatrix clowns in the world. Because who the f@$#^ wants to watch a dominatrix clown???
  • At one booth, they were selling what were essential baby wipes for grown ups. The product was not so much what was interesting here as the explanation about this product’s usefulness given by the saleswoman. And I quote: “These are great to keep in your car. You know, like if you have a quickie and he comes inside you, these are great for cleaning up.” That’s just not something you hear everyday. She also explained that they smell really good. Because you know, you smell bad. Similarly there was a cream to help “tighten” you up3. Can’t you just see some guy buying that for his girlfriend? “Here honey, I bought you this cream ‘cuz you are kinda loose. Oh ya, and you smell bad, so I bought these wipes.”

All in all, I’d have to say that it would be better to spend an afternoon having sex than going to this show.

1I’ve never been to a trade show, but that’s what I always thought they were about.
2And by highlights I mean, um, lowlights.
3Honestly, I’m not making any of this up!


{December 8, 2007}   I <3 Winning Stuff

I can’t resist a contest1. But a contest with Vancouver Giants tickets and two day passes to Mount Seymour for prizes and a chance to promote donations to the Vancouver Food Bank? No way I’m missing out on this

The contest is being run by Miss604 in honour of her blogiversary2. You may remember Miss604 from such blog postings as: she beat me in the race to post a picture of oneself in a printer box and these overpriced Canucks earrings are cool!

You may remember the Vancouver Giants from such achievements as winning the 2007 Memorial Cup, getting into 5 simultaneously on-ice fights with Kamloops Blazer players and playing a team whose goalie smiled at me.

seymourI’ve been skiing at Mount Seymour one time, last season, when they had free ski passes for women on Monday nights. My friends were all “meh, it’s just a mountain” but I thought it was pretty awesome. Of course, I grew up and learned to ski in a mountainless place where they are called “ski areas” as opposed to Mount Such-and-Such.

And last, but certainly not least, a shout out goes to the Vancouver Food Bank. The Food Bank helps tens of thousands of individuals every week – you can click on this link to donate to them.

1Procrastinate on getting around to writing my entry for a contest, yes. Resist, no.
2I would like to point out that I have fulfilled my contractual obligations3 for this contest at a mere 51 words into this blog posting. Yet I will continue to ramble because that’s just how I roll.
3OK, technically, there is no “contract”, but it just sounds cool, no?

{May 29, 2007}   I <3 the Giants!

A (belated) shout out to the Vancouver Giants, Memorial Cup Champions 2007!

Let us savour the sweet, sweet victory over the Medicine Hat Tigers. From Medicine Hat, Alberta. And you know how I feel about Alberta.

This season was the first one where I really took much interest in the Giants. Remember the time I went to a Giants game and got to see 5 simultaneous fights? Or the time I went to the game and saw them play a team that was named after me? Or the time that the Seattle Thunderbirds backup goalie smiled at me*? Yes, we certainly had some good times this season. Congrats boys! I’m looking forward to cheering you on again next season!

*upon searching my blog for a link to this, I discovered that I did not, in fact, blog about the time that the Seattle Thunderbirds’s backup goalied smiled at me. But rest assured, it is true. He had a mohawk and, I believe he is 20 years old. Which substantiates my claim that
this team was named after me.

{April 12, 2007}   Home Sweet Home

Yup, I’m back in the land of vegetables, mild weather and hockey teams that kick ass! A more detailed blog posting of my adventures in Cowtown will be forthcoming*, but for now suffice it to say that my view of the mountains from my office window is just as stunning, and my job just as fun, as when I left.

The reason that I don’t have time to post now is that I am off to yet another free movie screening. This time it’s Disturbia – a movie with the rather uninspired tagline “Every killer lives next door to someone” and which sounds like it may be a rip off of “Rear Window“. I’ve been hearing radio ads for it ALL DAY LONG, since it is officially released on Friday. It better be good! And I better win some swag. I’m still jealous of Kalev’s Touristas shot syringe.

*in the meantime, read Dave’s summary. He was a responsible blogger and wrote his blog posting, I’m assuming based on the rapidity of its appearance in the blogosphere, on his flight home.

“I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.”
-Rodney Dangerfield

So, I went to the Vancouver Giants game last night. First off, early on in the game Garet Hunt of the Giants skated directly into the boards at full speed. It seemed like he was trying to hit a guy on the other team, but he fully missed him by at least a foot. We were all like “wtf was he trying to do?” How embarassing! Even more embarassing, he actually broke a leg and will be out for the foreseeable future. And one thing I really don’t understand is why, when a player gets hurt on the ice, the crowd starts cheering when they get the player onto the stretcher. I mean, yes, we are glad that he is getting medical attention. But are we applauding this guy for missing the hit? For breaking his own leg? Or perhaps we are applauding the work of paramedics. I really don’t know.

Also strange at Vancouver Giants games are the prizes they give out to fans. When they start to give out the prizes, you really know you aren’t attending a game at the highest level of professional sports. For example, one time at a Toronto Blue Jays game, Sarah won a fax machine. That’s what you win in the big leagues. At the Giants game, you can win a box filled with bags of potato chips. Or a bag of peanuts, which go to the best dancer in the “lucky section” of the game. Dance for your peanuts, monkey, dance!! Or, at the end of the game, they give out the leftover White Spot* burgers from the concession stands. Free meat!!

The strangest giveaway I have yet seen though (and I’ve been to a few Giants games this season) was a special event – the Dash for Cash. They dumped 15,000 loonies on the ice and 30 “lucky fans” got some certain amount of time (like 30 seconds, or 60 seconds… I can’t remember) to grab as many loonies as they could carry. And as I stared down at these 30 people, down on their hands and knees, scrammbling to fit as many ice cold loonies into their shoes, their hats and, in one case, down their shirt, all I could think was “how degrading.” I mean, these people probably got $50, or maybe $100 at the most. But they just looked so pathetic! And the real kicker came at the end of the event, while the crowd was cheering for these 30 people, when the announcer said, “And now, all the remaining loonies will be swept up and donated to a charity for the homeless. So, not only did these people degrade themselves for $100, but they also took that $100 from people who could really have used that money. I mean, if you could afford to pay $20 to watch a hockey game, I’m sure you didn’t really need those loonies.

But back to the game – it was a very exciting one! The Giants and their opponents, the Kamloops Blazers, were tied for 1st in the BC Division going into the game, meaning that the winner would take over top spot. Which meant that the game was going to be intense. Which probably explains why, when the Giants were winning 5-1 in the third period, multiple simultaneous fights broke out. We are talking each of the 5 skaters on the Giants was in a fist fight with one of the 5 skaters on the Blazers. And you know the goalies were contemplating jumping into the action too. There weren’t enough refs/linesmen to monitor all the fights!

And amdist all this madness, all I could think was – why the hell did I, the person who brings her camera just about everywhere she goes, not bring my camera tonight?? It’s not often you get to see 5 simultaneous fights on the ice — it would have made a spectacular photo! And I had actually made a conscious decision not bring my camera. “I have pictures from other Giants games I’ve been to this year, ” I mused, “What could I possibly need more for? I don’t want to have to carry my camera around all night and my pockets are already full of gloves and hats and suchlike.” What also would have made a nice picture was the Giants bench at the end of the game – there were only 5 players left there (all the others having been kicked out of the game), and that included the back up goalie! Man, I’m never going to listen to my own reasoned arguments of why not to bring my camera with me ever again.

*Despite what the name sounds like, White Spot is not a segregationist club. It’s a restaurant chain in Western Canada. No one has yet been able to explain to me why the hell it is called White Spot. Also, despite the fact that Rob Feenie appears in their ads, White Spot is not the fancy dining establishment they claim to be… it really is glorified fast food.

et cetera