Not To Be Trusted With Knives

Yesterday’s posting got me thinking about a blog posting that’s been kicking around in my brain for quite some time, but that I’ve never gotten around to writing.  Here, in no particular order, are some of my favourite lyrics (I think you will sense a theme):

From “What’s My Age Again” by Blink 182:

Then later on, on the drive home
I called her mom from a pay phone
I said I was the cops
And your husband’s in jail
The state looks down on sodomy

From “Holy Virgin” by Groove Coverage1:

I am your holy virgin,
Be gentle all the time
I am your holy virgin,
I’ll blow your mind

I am your holy virgin
And if you touch me right
I’ll be your nasty virgin

From Alice Cooper’s Poison2:

I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name.

From “You” by Groove Coverage:

My emotions getting strong your heart be close to mine,
If I can be your girl tonight across your soul I’ll sign.

Would you say my name when I’m sleeping next to you,
And would you say it loud when I’m lying over you.
No one does it better no one loves the way you do,
As long as there’s eternity believe me there is you.
Would you say my name when I’m sleeping next to you,
And would you scream it loud when I’m lying over you.

From “Animals” by Nickelback3:

You’re beside me on the seat
Got your hand between my knees
And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze
It’s hard to steer when you’re breathing in my ear
But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears
By now, no doubt that we were heading south
I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth

From “She’s Not Me” by Madonna:

I just want to be there when you discover
When you wake up next to your new lover
She might cook you breakfast and love you in the shower
The flavor of the moment, cause she don’t have what’s ours

From “Cemetery” by Headstones:

Went down to the cemetery looking for love
Got there and my baby was buried
I had to dig her up
There’s only one point that I’d like to make
These kinds of things deteriorate
It’s the gospel truth man
She’s embalmed in love juice

From “Drugs Are Good” by NOFX:

1-2 fuck off, drop out, never trust a fucking hippie4
And for that matter don’t trust anyone.
Drugs are good, they let you do things that you know you not should.
And when you do ’em people think that you’re cool.

And when you do ’em people think that you’re cool.

From “My Alcoholic Friends” by the Dresden Dolls:

I’m trying hard
Not to be ashamed
Not to know the name
Of who is waking up beside me
Or the date, the season or the city
But at least the ceiling”s very pretty

From “White America” by Eminem:

(As you’ve probably noticed, most of they lyrics I like are just dirty.  But Eminem constantly amazes me with his talent with language.. here’s just two of many examples).

Until I met Dre
The only one who looked past
Gave me a chance
And I lit a fire up under his ass
Helped him get back to the top
Every fan black that I got
Was probably his in exchange for every white fan that he’s got
Like damn we just swapped
To spit liquor in the faces of this democracy of hypocrisy
Fuck you Ms. Cheney
Fuck you Tipper Gore
Fuck you with the freeness of speech this divided states of embarrassment
Will allow me to have

From “Tap That” by Megan McCauley:

I’m gonna teach you how to scream my name
You’re never gonna get away from me
Yeah, I kinda like that
I wanna tap that
You can bet I’m gonna get you (YOU)
Come over here and play with me
Let me be your dirty fantasy

I’m pretty sure that video got the lyrics right, but clearly the people working at various other lyrics websites didn’t see this particular video and resorted to a lot of guesswork as to what Megan was saying in this song.  A few examples of where two song lyrics websites disagree:

From Metro Lyrics From Lyrics Mania
Don’t play dumb you know you wanted to
feel my cup, that’s what we came to do
Really? Well, I guess maybe he does want to
feel your cup.
Don’t play dumb you know you wanted to
fill my cup, that’s what we came to do
I’m the boss, keep that in your head I’m no monster keep that in your head
Let me be your dirty fantasy Let me be your tiny fantasy
“Tiny” fantasy? What? Like a midget fetish or something?
Head to toe priceless Heads are so priceless

This is my favourite misheard lyric EVER!

1I would like to point out that this video appears to have nothing to do with this song. But I was worried that no one was going to rescue that poor singer who seemed to be inexplicably stuck in that phone booth, so at least they paid that off in the end.
2I’ve included the video of the Groove Coverage cover of Poison here for your viewing pleasure, because I like it better than Alice Cooper video. And it’s not as weird as the GC video for Holy Virgin.
3That is quite possibly the worst directed video in the history of music videos.  And the guy in the car just looks like a is a total douche nozzle, doesn’t he?
4That one’s for you, Dave.

{November 12, 2008}   I admit it. I like Nickelback.

Apparently, at least according to the radio station I listen to most, no one will admit to liking Nickelback1, but yet somehow their songs always do really well.  Well, I’m here to admit to a dirty little secret.  I like Nickelback.  With the notable exceptions of Rockstar2 and Photograph3.

Here’s their latest song, Something in Your Mouth.  (And yes, it’s exactly like it sounds).

I mean, I know that the lyrics are stupid. (Seriously, if you saw a girl in a club dancing around sucking on her thumb, wouldn’t you be concerned for her? Like, you’d check to see if she was having a brain hemorrhage or something?) And I don’t even know what “if Hollywood hadn’t caught her she’d be gunnin for ya holler” means. Seriously, can someone help me out on that?4

But the tune is catchy. And it makes me want to dance.  And to gun for ya holler. Come on.
1zomg, Nickelback’s site makes me angry. Apparently you can only access one page for their site right now, a giant ad for their new album with links to buy it on iTunes, Amazon & WalMarta. All the other links to their site return an error message. Even though they have a little site map (I think that’s what it’s called) when you Google them, all the links there = FAIL. Nickelback make Beth angry.
    azomg, I hate Nickelback’s site. I wrote most of this blog posting yesterday and what I wrote above was true. And now that I’m finishing the blog posting, I went back to the site and now it’s different. Still can’t get to the lyrics page, so it’s still a FAIL. But it’s making me look like a liar.
2That song makes me want to puncture my own eardrums so that I never have to hear it again.
3I think Dave says all that needs to be said about Photograph.
4At least, that’s what the majority of lyrics sites claim the fourth line of the song saysb. One site listed it as “if Hollywood had called her she’d be gone before ya had her,” which at seems to make more sense, although when you listen to the song, it really doesn’t sound like that’s what they are saying.
    bAnd since Nickelback’s freaking site is pooched right now, I can’t consult *their* lyric page to find out for sure.

{October 30, 2008}   Madonna

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I’m so excited about tonight’s concert that I’m even willing to overlook the glaring (and repeated) grammatical error in Superpop.

{October 29, 2008}   True or False

I was named after this song:

Geek neophyte question: Does anyone know how to make that poll centred?  Right now I have <p style=”text-align:center;”>POLL CODE</p>, which is how I have the YouTube video centred, but it doesn’t appear to actually make the poll centred =(

Update: Via Twitter, Raincoaster suggested trying <div style=”text-align:center;”>. This works in Internet Explorer, but the poll remains uncentred in Firefox and Sarafi.  Weird.  But thanks to Raincoaster for getting me part of the way there!

So, I’m going to the Madonna concert on Oct 30 with some friends.  And we’ve been trying to decide what one wears to such an event.  And don’t think that both 80s fashion (think leg warmers + side ponytails) and cone bras havne’t been suggested.  But what do you think?  What should we wear?  Pictures, of course, will be forthcoming.

{June 7, 2008}  

As I’m sure you’ve already heard, we are losing the Hockey Night in Canada theme song. That just sucks.  The HNIC theme song is a piece of Canadiana and I honestly can’t image watching HNIC without it.  It will just seem wrong.

Apparently they are going to have a contest to find a replacement theme song.  I know this won’t happen, but I think everyone should just boycott the contest.  No entries in the contest, then what would they do?

{January 16, 2008}   Meet Marla

As you know, I experience great difficulty in coming up with good names for things. But when I got this smoking hot new iPod for my birthday1,2, I came up with a name rather quickly. In honour of my third annual 29th birthday, I watched Fight Club, one of my most favourite movies ever, and it became clear that my iPod could have only one name. Allow me to introduce you to Marla:


Since I now have about sixty trillion terabytes of space on my fancy new iPod, I added a whole bunch o’podcasts:


But I still have fifty-nine trillion, nine hundred and ninety-nine billion, nine hundred and nintey-nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine terabytes (give or take), so if you have a favourite podcast that you think I should check out, let me know.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go print up a label with my name and phone number on it to stick onto Marla, in case she goes missing, so that whoever finds her can return her to me. And I will be printing said label on my fancy schmancy printer. Which I need to review here in blogland soon. I don’t want to spoil this upcoming printer review, but suffice it to say, I’m disappointed that the printer doesn’t attach to my vibrator.

1Along with one of those adapter thingys3 that you plug into your iPod and then you can play your iPod over the car radio, which is wicked awesome for when I’m driving to hockey games.
2Thanks again, Giver of Birthday Gifts.
3Not one of these iPod adaptor thingys.

{October 31, 2007}   This Makes Me Want Eggo Waffles

Hey Aunt Jemima, spoof of Hey There Delilah.

{October 27, 2007}   Oh Em Gee

OMG. I just saw this over on Kris‘s blog and I had to share it with you. HAD TO.

{August 27, 2007}   Weekend Update

Well, jaw is still a bit achy. The ache seems to travel – Friday it was in the right lower jaw, Saturday in the left lower jaw and today it seems to be where the top wisdom teeth were that ache the most. The swelling in my mouth has gone down enough that I can now reach the wounds with my tongue… I can feel the stitches in the bottom, but the top just feel like holes – I don’t feel any stitches there. It’s weird, and I’m really trying not to always tongue the holes in my gums, because that just seems like a great way to cause an infection. But, of course, it also seems impossible to keep myself from doing!

I’m still afraid to try anything more solid that scrambled eggs, because it does hurt to open my mouth wide enough and I’m sure it would hurt to chew. Which resulted in my paying $7.50 for a bowl of mashed potatoes at dinner last night (stupid Cactus Club, what a rip off). They charged me $7.50 for a bowl of mashed potatoes, but only $6 for a double Margarita. Go figure.

After dinner last night, I went to see Five Alarm Funk at the Commodore. According to their website:

Five Alarm Funk is a Vancouver-based, 12-piece rhythm machine that delivers a delirium-inducing live show fuelled by original funk and afro-beat grooves.

I have to say that they were pretty awesome. I’d never seen them before and knew absolutely nothing about them going into it (and neither did the people I was with), so it wasn’t until a few songs in that we even found out that the band that was playing at first wasn’t Five Alarm Funk. They were an opening band, whose name I never caught, and they were quite good. And then FAF came on and they were even more awesome! The show went on and on, some of the band members even came out in to the crowd and stuff… the crowd was full of all the Vancouver hippies that Dave couldn’t find when he came here to visit, which explains why some guy who could barely speak English, but seemed to keep speaking to me in Spanish as if I was supposed to know what he was saying, at the bar I ended up in at the end of the night, kept saying to me “You’re hair smell like weed. Marijuana. You have? Marijuana? I like smoke marijuana.” Ya, ‘cuz after the show I met up with my friend Rachel and she and I both wanted to go dancing, whereas the people we’d both been out with weren’t up for dancing. So Rachel and I had a drink at the Granville Room with Lianna before she headed home to check on her dog, who’d just been neutered, then headed to Ceili’s. Oddly, there was no line, no cover and no ID’ing at the GR or C’s, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen in Vancouver before. The music was good and Rachel and I had a great time dancing, which we haven’t had a chance to do in far too long! In addition to the guy who kept telling me that I smelled like weed (and I think, but am not sure because his English was pretty choppy, asked me to be his girlfriend), I was also amused by the guy that hit on me that I think I may have insulted by saying “Are you old enough to be in here?” and the charming Brit, who was saying all the charming things that Brits say (and, to be quite honest, I didn’t care if he actually meant a word of it, it was just nice to hear).

Long story short, I stayed up much too late and was totally exhausted today, so I figured that I could justifying doing pretty much nothing all day as “recovery from surgery.” And now I’m going to go to sleep because I have a tonne of work to get done for September and isn’t September like really, really soon?

{August 20, 2007}  

I’m pretty sure my iPod is sentient. I usually play it on “shuffle songs” and, having an eclectic mix of artists, you never know what crazy song is going to come out next. But when I’m in an emotionally heightened state, it seems to play songs that are totally appropo to the situation. Like the day that Dani moved out, when I was really dreading going home to our apartment, which was suddenly my apartment, my iPod played a string of songs, most of which I can’t remember, save one which epitomized the lot – Lonely Day by System of a Down

And now today, just now, waiting for the bus, my iPod spits out The Dresden Dolls’ The Jeep Song and then Elvis Presley’s Fools Rush In. The former with lyrics which are appropriate to the point of hilarity, the latter with a title that sums up my sentiments.

OK, so I’m typing this on my Palm Treo1 and now I think my iPod is on to the fact that I’m onto it2. Because it’s starting to play songs that don’t even remotely apply at all to the situation at hand. The Authority Song by Jimmy Eat World. Bonecracker by Shocore. OK, now it’s really gone too far – Van Morrison’s Brown-Eyed Girl?? To a girl so arrogant about her blue eyes that she wears eyelash bling? Very funny, iPod, very funny.

Yes, this is actually how my thought process works. My head is a fun place to live.

Update: I’m in the middle of writing tomorrow’s blog posting and my iPod chooses to play Heart’s What About Love. Which could only be more appropriate if it was my other favourite Heart song – Alone. Bastard3.

1Very slowly, due to the tiny-ness of the keyboard.
2I think my Treo may have sent it a text message.
3That “bastard” was in reference to my iPod. Mostly.

A friend of mine posted this the other day on Facebook, and then I heard a DJ talking about it on the radio. 1500+ inmates practicing their Thriller routine. You just *have* to watch it!

{July 28, 2007}   My First Ever Sangeet!

Last night I attended my first ever Sangeet (or Ladies Party, as it is also called). And I must say that you have not partied until you have danced to a mash up of “My Humps” + Hindi music.

OK, maybe I should back up a little. Since this is my first ever Indian wedding, when Shalu gave me my invitation (which, by the way, is the most gorgeous invitation I’ve ever seen!), I had to have her walk me through what the heck everything was, since my invitation had FOUR invitations in it!1 The invitation to the Sangeet indicated that there would be Appetizers, followed by Chunni & Tilak, then dinner & dancing. Appies, dinner & dancing I am familiar with, but chunni & tilak, not so much. Around about the time that we were waiting for our ride to pick us up, Shalu’s friend, Mina (who I met at the wedding shower last weekend and arranged to carpool with) and I decided to Wikipedia2 those terms to see what we could expect. Chunni, as near as we could tell from Wikipedia, is a piece of red fabric the groom’s family puts on the bride’s head. Tilak is a mark on the forehead.

Here’s a pic of the happy couple after the Chunni & Tilak part of the night. As you can see, Shalu bears both the chunni and the tilak. Wikipedia did not steer us wrong!

Don’t they look amazing??

OK, a few highlights of the night:

  • the food. omg, so delish! I *love* Indian food. Plus, it was all vegetarian!
  • everyone’s outfits – they were soooo beautiful! Shalu looked radiant in her beautiful green dress and Deepak was dashing in his blue outfit.
  • the music! As I mentioned at the start of the post, it was Hindi music mixed with pop. Billie Jean, plus Hindi. Sexy Back, plus Hindi. It went surprisingly well together and had a great beat, which made for great fun dancing.
  • And speaking of dancing, I got a few compliments on my dancing abilities. Now, I’ve never danced to Indian music before, so I just sort of looked at what other people were doing and tried to imitate it… just feel the beat and go with it! I think people were surprised to see the only white girl there dancing to the Indian
  • And speaking of dancing, the DJ told us that “this next song will be the last song of the night” about 6 times. At once point, they had turned the lights up for the “last song”, but we kept on dancing, so they turned the lights back down and kept playing music! After the actual last song, we decided we still needed to dance some more, so a bunch of us headed to Ginger Sixty-Two. Deepak told us it was Indian Night there, which we didn’t believe, as Deepak likes to make things up just to see if you will believe them. But he turned out to be telling the truth, because when we got there, they were, in fact, playing Indian music! Of course, Shalu & her “entourage” (as the DJ there called it) were the only ones wearing Indian outfits, which everyone there thought was very cool.
    Here are Shalu & Deepak outside of Ginger Sixty-Two. Party like a rock star.
  • We stayed ’til Ginger Sixty-Two closed (for those of you who are counting, that’s right, we stayed right to the end of *two* parties last night… ya, we are that hardcore!) By then, I was pretty much unable to walk due to my feet deforming shoes. In my defence, the shoes are very pretty. Some peeps headed off for pizza, but me, Andrea & Mina decided that it was time, since it was after 2 am and Andrea had to work in a few hours, to head home.

OK, that’s enough with the writing. But I’ll give you a few more pictures, what with them being worth a thousand words and all.

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Me, Radha (sister of the groom) and Mina (friend of Shalu’s (and now my friend too!))

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Mina, me & Ritu in the back row. Deepak & Shalu in the middle. Meenu up front.
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At Ginger Sixty-Two.

Stay tuned for more exciting wedding events next week. Next up, the wedding tradition of Mehndi on Wednesday!

1See here for a brief description of the different events.

2I also discovered through Wikipedia that Shalu’s name is also the name of a “special type of sari.”

  • Finger 11 is from Burlington, Ontario. I grew up in the town next to Burlington. That means we are practically related.
  • You can buy Smirnoff Ice in a can.
  • The Croatian Cultural Centre has the worst acoustics in the history of the world.
  • Winnipeg produces good bands. At least, one in particular – Inward Eye. They had the combination of hot boys, good music and an insane amount of energy on stage.
  • Cute boys travel in packs at concerts.

{May 12, 2007}   Paralyzer

The other day, Dave lamented that he and Sarah had only been to six concerts since they’d moved to Ottawa, which was about 2.5 years ago. It got me to thinking, “hey, I think I’ve only been to like 6 concerts. Ever.”* I think that means I’m not very well versed in the music scene

  1. Billy Bragg – at Ontario Place, with my sister
  2. Barenaked Ladies – at Canada’s Wonderland, with Sarah and I believe Dave was there too, and some other randoms.
  3. Depeche Mode – again, at C’s W, with Sarah and I remember Carlene being there and possibly Jen W. and other assorteds.
  4. Jesus & Mary Chain – at some warehouse-type place (wait, was it called “The Warehouse”? Goddamn, I have a terrible memory). With Sarah’s then boyfriend and her ex-bf’s brother. I know, Random with a captial R.**
  5. Green Day – GM Place. Don’t even get me started on the f’d up circumstances that led me to see this concert. Good show though.
  6. Sloan – at the Commodore Ballroom, with Jason #2. That’s right, I said it.

Well, I’m going to see Finger 11 at the Croatian Culture Centre on Monday, which will bring my lifetime total of concerts above Dave‘s 2.5 year total. So at least that’s something.

*Sarah, my personal historian, please correct me if I’ve forgotten any. I discovered I don’t need a memory of my own because I have a Sarah.
**Allow me to emphasize here that these first four were all when I was HIGH SCHOOL. And I graduated from high school over a decade* ago!!

et cetera