Not To Be Trusted With Knives

{December 11, 2008}   Googling Google

Am I the only on who finds it odd that “Google” was one of the top ten words searched for in Google in Canada in 2008.

Who the hell is Googling “Google”?  I mean, if you are ALREADY ON THE GOOGLE WEBSITE, why do you have to search for it?  I mean, sure, it’s hard to remember that Google can be found at (or .com… as if you mistakenly type “” and you are in Canada, it will automatically switch it to .ca for you).  Such a difficult URL to remember.  But you are ALREADY ON THE GOOGLE WEBSITE!!  And it’s not just like a few randoms were doing this.  It was in the top ten searches conducted this year.

This is what I imagine an individual’s thought process is when this happens:  “Man, I sure would like to search for information about Sarah Palin.  I wonder how I can find such information?  Hmm, I hear that Google is an excellent search engine and can surely direct me to photos of Sarah Palin in a star-spangled bikini, but the Google URL is so hard to remember! I know, I’ll Google it!”

Also funny: another one of the words in top ten list of words searched in Google in 2008 – Yahoo.


… goes to Jack Layton for saying to Stephen Harper: “Where’s the platform, under the sweater1?”

Is anyone else dismayed by the fact that Harper has not issued his party platform?

How, exactly, can you run an election campaign without letting the public know what your plan is?  Even more mind-boggling than that is: polls show the platform-less Harper is in the lead!

1The “sweater” comments refers to the fact that Harper is wearing sweaters in his campaign ads to “soften his image.” You know, his image as a compassionate-less robot would would ignore someone who just fainted.

{September 29, 2008}   Stupidest Tongue Injury Ever

Picture it. I’m sitting in my office, chewing some gum and, out of nowhere, I bite my tongue. But not only do I bite my tongue – oh no, that wouldn’t be ridiculous enough. I bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds. Profusely.

You’d think that with 31 years experience, I’d be able to have my own tongue in my own mouth without biting it.  You’d think.

I would like to point out, in case you are ever considering biting your tongue so hard that it bleeds, that it’s very difficult to put pressure on one’s tongue in order to stop profuse bleeding.  I mean, I grabbed a tissue and applied pressure, but then the tissue just all sticks to your tongue and it’s all “Ick, I’m eating a Kleenex now!  A bloody Kleenex from my profusely bleeding tongue.”

Also from the too much information department, some photos of said injury:

Today’s episode of stupidity has been brought to you by the letter I1

1as in, I am a jackass.

{September 12, 2008}   $40 “plus other fees” WTF?

Saw this at a bus stop the other day:

Let’s take a closer look:

Doesn’t the “plus other fees” make the “$40” kind of meaningless?  Why don’t they just say “$1 plus other fees”? That would be just as meaningful.  How much are these other fees?  For what are you paying these other fees?  My guess is they mean at least that $6.95 “system access fee” they always charge, but isn’t it rather ridiculous to say you are getting a certain number of minutes, browsing & incoming (but apparently not outgoing) text messaging for $40, when obviously you can’t use those features without “accessing the system.”

On my recent trip to San Fran, I found myself yet again flipping through the SkyMall magazine. While I was slightly disappointed that they didn’t have any new products as good as the branding iron for your dinner or the all cookie diet or the tailgate party slings, it was still rife with ridiculousness. The guy sitting next to me on the plane seemed to think I was quite strange, sitting there laughing to myself and ripping pages out of SkyMall. See the things I do for you?

First up, we have these toys:

Extra points to that one for referring to the mobility-impaired elderly using the word “cripple.”

Tired of not looking like an idiot when you sleep? Why not try the Spacesleeper Travel Pillow?

It’s like sleeping with a zero IQ!

Have way too much time on your hands and no friends? Why not spend the next year of your life trying to solve this crossword puzzle?

Also from the land of ridiculously large things, there’s this inflatable TV screen:

Because, you know, if a TV screen can fit inside your house, it’s just not big enough.

And this next one is just dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

And finally, from the Humiliating Your Pets category, we have such fine products as:

Doesn’t this dog really look like she’s “enjoying her privacy”? No, really. She doesn’t look like she’s serving 25-to-life. Not at all.

When not trapping your dog in an undersized jail cell, why not let her look through this lovely porthole:

I’m sure the other dogs won’t laugh at her.

And finally, there’s a solution for those of you who have been wishing that your dog could take a shit in the house. Seriously. I’m not making this up.

{August 28, 2008}   Knee Injury Update

Today on the bus, a guy tapped me on the shoulder1 and said, “You know what would clear that knee up? Turmeric. You know, the spice?” Um, ok. I actually thought my knee was healing quite nicely.

One day after the epic knee scraping

One day after the epic knee scraping

After 13 days of healing

After 13 days of healing

And really, what would help it clear up is refraining from picking at the scab2.

1I was listening to my iPod at the time, so he to do this to get my attention.
2Too much information?

{July 7, 2008}   Adventures in Laziness

So I’m in the grocery store tonight and I see the latest innovation in the world of laziness.  Pillsbury “Ready to Bake” cookies:

This pre-made cookie dough is already portioned out into “cookie rounds,” so you just throw them onto a cookie sheet and bake.

Because, you know, baking cookies from the regular pre-made Pillsbury cookie dough:

… where you have a tube of o’dough that you have to take 5.2 seconds to cut the dough into “rounds” before you throw them on a cookie sheet… well, that’s just too insurmountable a task.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’d like to say that I’m much more in favour of eating cookie dough raw than I am of baking the dough into cookies proper and, compared to my homemade dough especially, Pillsbury cookie dough raw is barf-tastic.  That’s right, I said it.

{March 25, 2008}   Now I’m On The Plane!

I’m flying Air Canada to Edmonton and I have to say that the little individualized TV system they’ve got going on here suuuuuucks! With a capital SUCK.

First, since it’s not a long enough flight to watch a movie, I decided to check the TV channels. But the TV channels are all named “Channel 1”, “Channel 2, “Channel 4,” etc., with no indication what might be on said channel.1. So you have to click on each channel randomly until you find out what it is, and then you can click further to pick individual programs should you find something you might want to watch. No, I don’t want to watch the How to Mediatate Channel, thanks anyway. I finally found that one of the channels has Family Guy on it (yay!) and am forced to sit through no fewer than 7 commercials only to find out that the one and only episode they have is one I’ve already seen. Hmph. So then I give up on their TV channels and decide to watch the CBC In-flight News. Because I actually do like watching the news. So, I click on that, only to get a message saying “We’re sorry, this option is not available at this time. Why don’t you watch this old story from The National?” So I start watching it, and it’s quite interesting, actually. A story about the WUSC, a program that brings refugee students from other countries to Canadian universities. The story follows two Somali youth who are refugees in Kenya and who are awarded these WUSC scholarships. We see them leave their family and friends in Kenya, arrive in Canada and start to learn about the culture and their schools. Then I pause it for a bathroom break and when I come back… it won’t restart. “We’re sorry, this program is not available at this time.” WTF? I was just watching it! Am I seriously supposed to believe that somehow the plane no longer has access to this program? Did it parachute off while I was in the bathroom?

So I decide to get out ye ole laptop to do a bit of work and the flight attendent told me there was an outlet into which I could plug said laptop underneath my seat. Oh yeah, there’s an outlet, but you can’t plug anything resembling a North American plug in it, that’s for sure. Oh well, there’s not much more time left on the flight, so my battery should last…. Except… wait… they are annoucing that we will be 15 minutes early so pack up your laptops, folks, it’s time to stow the luggage.

1Seriously, there’s no Channel 3. Or 6. Or 9.

{March 18, 2008}   Nom Nom Nom

WordPress just ate the posting I spent the last 40 minutes carefully crafting.  It was to be the next installment of my Prime Minister series.  And Sir Charles Tupper is goddamn boring and I’m too damn tired to start it over now, so you will have to wait until tomorrow for it.

In the meantime, I can report that (a) Liberal Joyce Murray won the Vancouver Quadra byelection by a mere 151 votes, (b) cherry blossoms are in bloom in Vancouver now, and (c) it appears that I will be going to Yellowknife next week.

{February 17, 2008}   Dildos in Texas

So I just saw over on that a federal appeals court has overturned a Texas law banning the sale of sex toys. This video1explains a number of the rules that Texas had about sex toys:

Highlights include:

  • You could buy a dildo, but only as long as you didn’t call it a dildo. You could only have it for “educational purposes” – such as using it to demonstrate how to put on a condom.
  • You could buy a vibrator, but only as long as you didn’t call it it a vibrator. It’s a “personal massager.”
  • You could buy a butt plug. And you could even call it a butt plug because, and I quote: “The anus is not defined as a sexual organ by Texas law. So you can buy whatever you like to go there.”

Which, of course, makes me wonder if they ever sold the baby Jesus butt plug in Texas.

1For some reason, WordPress keeps eating the embed code when I try to embed this video in this posting. Even though I’m sure the code is correct. So, I’ve given up and now all y’all2 will have to click on the link to see the video.
2I said “all y’all” ‘cuz this is blog posting about Texas.

This weekend was the Taboo Naughty but Nice Sex Show. It’s held every year and I’ve always wanted to go and so yesterday I finally got around to doing just that. And, I have to say, I was kind of disappointed. I’m not sure what I expected exactly. I guess I just expected more variety. Every single booth seemed to have the same thing – if you were in the market for lube, vibrators, lube, a sexy Catholic school girl outfit or lube, you were in luck. But how many vibrator-lube-sexyCatholicschoolgirloutfit-and-lube booths can one person really look at in an afternoon?

The show is supposed to be like a trade show. And aren’t trade shows supposed to be about showing the newest 1 innovations? I have to say that, based on this show, there really isn’t any innovation in vibrator technology… with the notable exception of the vibrator that attaches to your iPod and then vibrates in time with your music. Seriously.

Other “highlights”2 of the show include:

  • A show on the main stage that I didn’t actually watch, but more was subjected to as I walked by. A show by Blyssful Productions – “Home of Blyss, the World’s Only Dominatrix Clown.” You know, Blyss, there’s a reason why there aren’t any other dominatrix clowns in the world. Because who the f@$#^ wants to watch a dominatrix clown???
  • At one booth, they were selling what were essential baby wipes for grown ups. The product was not so much what was interesting here as the explanation about this product’s usefulness given by the saleswoman. And I quote: “These are great to keep in your car. You know, like if you have a quickie and he comes inside you, these are great for cleaning up.” That’s just not something you hear everyday. She also explained that they smell really good. Because you know, you smell bad. Similarly there was a cream to help “tighten” you up3. Can’t you just see some guy buying that for his girlfriend? “Here honey, I bought you this cream ‘cuz you are kinda loose. Oh ya, and you smell bad, so I bought these wipes.”

All in all, I’d have to say that it would be better to spend an afternoon having sex than going to this show.

1I’ve never been to a trade show, but that’s what I always thought they were about.
2And by highlights I mean, um, lowlights.
3Honestly, I’m not making any of this up!

{January 8, 2008}   WTF

Did you know that women’s ski jumping isn’t an Olympic sport? Did you know that there were any Olympic sports where men can play but women can’t?

I had no idea until I read this news article and this news article. Apparently, female ski jumpers filled a gender discrimination complaint with the Canadian Human Rights Commission back in September and a decision is expected soon.

Remind me again what year this is? 1908?

In related news, what would possess someone to name their child “Dick Pound“?

{December 13, 2007}   Not to Be Trusted to Click a Link

Apparently not everyone cares to hear about my thigh highs. Today I received this lovely message over email:


Below this message was my latest blog posting, followed by this:
You are subscribed to email updates from Not To Be Trusted With Knives
To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. Email Delivery powered by FeedBurner
Inbox too full? (feed) Subscribe to the feed version of Not To Be Trusted With Knives in a feed reader. If you prefer to unsubscribe via postal mail, write to: Not To Be Trusted With Knives, c/o FeedBurner, 20 W Kinzie, 9th Floor, Chicago IL USA 60610

Perhaps if this individual took the time to READ instead of yelling and swearing at me, they would notice the lines saying “You are subscribed to email updates” and “To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now.” I can see how it would be difficult to notice the link saying “unsubscribe now,” seeing as it is underlined and in bright blue. Hell, there’s even instructions on how to unsubscribe via snail mail, if you prefer.

Not having much faith in this person’s ability to understand this very complicated procedure, rather than reply I’ve clicked the link to unsubscribe them. But they are now going to seriously miss out on some killer nylon stories.

{December 11, 2007}  
McD’s Newest Ad Platform: Report Cards

So McDonald’s is advertising on kids’ report cards now. Wow.

On my recent flight to Vegas, I found myself flipping through “SkyMall” – the catalog for those who can’t last a whole three hours without satisfying their need to purchase stuff. And this catalog was rife with items that I just can’t imagine anyone actually purchasing. Things like:


Seriously? Do people really want to brand their beef?

And you might think it’s just because I’m a vegetarian that I wouldn’t want to buy a beef brand. But I also don’t want to brand my toast:


And while it was the branding of the toast by this product that first caught my attention, upon closer reading of the description of this item, I noticed this:


Seriously? We need a digital countdown to tell us when our toast is ready? Doesn’t the “pop” of the toaster popping tell you all you need to know? And then I noticed this:


Are people really willing to pay $130 for a toaster that tells you when the toast is ready… just like every other toaster ever invented???

Here’s another product I just don’t get. Perhaps I’m missing something here, but I just don’t understand why you would buy this:


If you have a device that uses wifi, doesn’t it already detect hot spots and their signal strength? Why would you need a separate item, which doesn’t do anything else, for this purpose?

Want to make sure your kid grows up to be a good consumer? Why not give them a fake ATM to play with:


Much like with cola, it’s important to start kids’ learning about how to spend-spend-spend early!

I think this picture speaks for itself:


Giddy up!!

And thank god I can finally “STOP COUNTING THUNDER!”


Because, you know, I spend so much time counting thunder, this is going to be a real time saver!

And can someone explain to me how, exactly, they get away with saying this is the “world’s largest” storage tower?


Really? You’ve seen all the CD storage towers in the entire world and this one is the biggest? Really?

Next up, Items That I Would NEVER Use to Decorate My Place:


This totally makes me think of the “major award” that the father wins in A Christmas Story.


And what yard is complete without a two foot tall statue of Bigfoot? Creative gardening style indeed!


This is just sad. I don’t want a “total environmental makeover”1 – I want a Christmas tree, dammit!

Now we have Items That Allow You to More Effectively Neglect Your Pets:


Because cats are just so high maintenance that you need a device to keep them occupied “so you can do other things.” Why do I suspect that the “other things” the type of person who buys this item has to do are, like, watching TV for 8 hours straight? “Momma’s watchin’ her stories, kitty, go play with your laser.”

Also for people who are too busy for their pets, why not get this lovely 8 Day Autopetfeeder:


Going away for 8 days? Sure, you could do the responsible thing and have someone watch your pet, or put them in a cat-spa/doggy daycare/whatever you call those places where actual human beings care for your pets while you are away, but why not just leave them some food in an automated dish instead? I mean, what else could your pet need in EIGHT DAYS??

Finally, we have Items That Make Me Shake My Head in Disbelief at the State of Humanity.

Such as this brush that regrows hair:


It’s “consistently seen in the news and magazines,”2 so who I am to question that?

And this sure looks like good times:


“Imagine the faces of your pre-game buddies when they see you kicking back in this”?2 Shouldn’t that say “imagine the faces of your pre-game buddies when they kick your ass for spending $200 to look like an asshat?

This one just makes me sad.


This woman not only has no one to spoon her and has to use this pillow to simulate spooning, but she got herself a rose. Because clearly no one else loves her.

Perhaps she’s alone because she “easily hid” this item in the car…


… to find out where her spouse was going3.

And finally, because you should always save the best for last:


It’s about time we had cookies that make you lose weight! As a nutritional scientist, I can see absolutely nothing wrong with this idea. Nothing!

1Who writes this stuff anyway?
3Which reminds me, while waiting for luggage at Vancouver airport after the flight home, the man next to me was very loudly talking to his buddies about HIS MISTRESS! Saying things like “So my wife was kind of suspicious, but I said, “I can’t even handle you, what would I do with two women??” and “Never admit it. Never. That’s the two million dollar mistake.” So if you (or someone you know) have a husband who flew from Vegas to Vancouver on US Airways on November 3, you (or they) might want to get yourself a good lawyer – apparently there’s 2 million dollars in it for you.

et cetera