Not To Be Trusted With Knives











{November 25, 2007}   NHL All-Star Voting

You know you want to go here to vote for all your favourite Canucks. And remember, it’s not a beauty contest, so it’s OK to vote for the Sedin twins.

And if you win the trip to the All-Star Game in Atlanta, you have to take me, k?

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{September 14, 2007}   Brainlessness

The other day I was chatting with my sister and she said “Boys only get their brains after 30.”

A few days later at work, I came across this quotation:

“...a second major phase of brain growth that parallels the hormonal changes at puberty and extends into the mid-twenties. This second spurt is especially prominent in the frontal lobes, an area associated with planning, reasoning, and impulse control. Until this occurs, adolescents are not yet capable of exercising these processes consistently. “

So she was literally correct about boys not getting their brains until they are 30. Of course, the same would hold true for girls… I now plan to use this excuse for any stupid decision I have made up until now in my life. If I’d known this, I would have listed “my frontal lobes weren’t fully developed and thus my planning, reasoning and impulse control was not operational when I got married” on my divorce papers. I think it would hold up in court.

So, based on this scientific evidence, I’m now supposed to include “anyone under 30” on my list of “qualities which, if you possess them, will preclude my dating you” list. This list, which is growing rapidly, now includes1:

  • anyone named Dave (my ex) or Chris (my sister’s ex)
  • the British
  • boys who still live with their moms
  • Surrey trash
  • pretty boys
  • anyone under the age of 30

I have a rather hard time with those last two though.

So, does anyone know any ugly old guys that I can date?

1but is not limited to. I swear there were way more things on this list when I was talking to my sister, but I can’t remember what they were now.



{September 10, 2007}   And so the fairy tale ends…

In my ongoing1 coverage of this story, it is my duty to inform the public that Belinda Stronach and Tie Domi have broken up.

You heard it here first. Unless you’ve already heard it somewhere else.

1And by “ongoing” I mean the two times I mentioned it a year ago.



As promised, here’s the link to the latest Hump at the Pump – This Time It’s a Threesome.

Now, I feel obliged to warn you that (a) this is probably NSFW, and (b) more importantly, it is really not worth watching. Let’s just say that the guy involved in this has a face (and a body) for radio. If you must, I suggest listening to the audio but do not – I repeat DO NOT – watch the video! You’ve been warned.



Every last one of them looks exactly like this. Especially the women.



It has been noted in blogland that I tend to offer my “willing womb to various Canucks as their on-ice performance dictates.” After tonight’s game, in which thug-turned-goal scorer Jeff Cowan scored two goals (!), I think I need to offer to carry his babies. According to the Canucks website, his personal life is “not applicable,” so apparently I need not worry about him having a wife or girlfriend who might object. The same cannot be said of the other Canuck to whom I offer my willing womb, Daniel Sedin, as he and his wife already have a baby; Daniel won the game in the shootout, so I am obligated to offer to have his babies… at least, those of his babies which have not already been had. Interestingly, I think that Cowan kinda looks like a Sedin, just with a less bulbous head (but maybe it’s just that they are redheads and have stupid looking facial hair that makes me think that).

Left, Jeff Cowan. Right, Daniel Sedin.



Amidst all this hoopla about being a Vancouver socialite*, I have been remiss in my objectification of the Canucks duties. Meet the two newest Canucks:

Bryan Smolinski:Brent Sopel:


I’m sure you’ll agree that these two are no Marc Chouinard. In fact, I think Brent may be giving the Sedin twins a run for the “ugliest Canuck” title. I know, I know, I’m harsh…. harsh, but I think you’ll agree, fair.

Also, a bit of useless trivia for you – both these guys have the same initials as me – B.S. Coolest. Initials. Ever.

*Also, I may have had some actual work-like things that I needed to get done.



et cetera