Not To Be Trusted With Knives











{September 29, 2007}  

My friend James sent me a link to this over msn:

Do you think he’s trying to tell me that I’m the prettiest girl in the whole wide room, or definitely in the top three good looking girls on the street, depending on the street?

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{September 29, 2007}   Insert Your Own Caption Here



{September 28, 2007}  

Dear Girl on her Cell Phone in the Movie Theatre Bathroom,

Please note that it is not acceptable to talk on a cell phone while using the bathroom. I mean, I’m sure it was very, very important that you tell your friend/lover/parent/baby daddy “I just saw Resident Evil!” but I really do think that this could wait for 30 seconds until you are done using the facilities. Saying “I’m in the bathroom” and then flushing the toilet while on the phone – also not acceptable.

Sincerely,

Everyone Else on the Planet.



{September 27, 2007}  

A while ago I wrote about my sister’s dilemma of desparately wanting an iPhone vs. being a dropper-of-all-things-valuable. Nance – read this blog posting over on Tod’s blog.



{September 27, 2007}   Hockey, Hockey, Hockey, Hockey

Anyone wanna take a wild guess who scored the first goal of the season for my new team at UBC? Anyone? Wild guess?

Yes, in true Beth style1, I planted myself in front of the net, waited for the good player2 to make some fancy moves and take a great shot, and then I pounced on the rebound and stuffed it in the net! Some may call it a garbage goal. I prefer to think of it as my excellent positioning saving the day! Also important is the technique of celebrating loudly and pointing in the net, just to make sure the ref sees that the puck is, in fact, in the net. This is followed by turning your back towards the ref so (s)he can clearly see your number, ensuring that you get credit for your goal (as the ref tells the scorer keeper which player scored). Refs can be lazy, so you have to make their job easier for them. Sometimes I wonder if you started celebrating and pointing into the net when I goalie actually had made the save, would they count it as a goal just because the ref wasn’t really watching and assumed you’d seen it go in when (s)he hadn’t?

After the game3, the Aggie contingent of of the team4 stopped at the 7/11 for post-game Slurpees. I had a Car Co-op minivan, which is the closest C0-op vehicle to my house, and being in a van with a bunch of hockey gear brought back memories of hockey seasons past, which often involved getting a ride home after the game in Andrew’s or Jill’s van and stopping at the 7/11 for post-game Slurpees. Mmmm, Slurpees.

Also, for the record, late night hockey games are soooo bad for screwing up your sleep schedule. Tonight’s game started at 11:15 pm and I was sooo tired before the game that all I wanted to do was go to bed. But after a game of hockey, you are so jacked up that you just can’t sleep for like 2 hours. I didn’t get home ’til almost 1:30 am, took a shower, played some Facebook Scrabulous and only now am I starting to feel like I can get to sleep. And I bet it will be very difficult to get myself out of bed in the morning. Ugh! I really hope all of our games aren’t so late!

1a.k.a., Anson Carter style. Carter used to play with the Sedin twins on the Canucks. He would also just plant himself in front of the net and wait for the good players to shoot, then pounce on the rebound. He was the leading scorer on the Canucks that year. This resulted in his being under the delusion that he is a good player, so he asked for tonnes of money in his next contract and, as punishment for being greedy and vain, he was sent to live in Ohio.

2In this case, it was an excellent offensive defenceman we have on our team. I think her name might be Sandra, but there was a lot of new people so I might have the name mixed up. For now, she’s known in my brain (and hence on my blog) as Red-Shirt-Who-May-Be-Named-Sandra.

3Which we lost 6-2. RSWMBNS scored our second goal. We were actually pleased with that score, as the other team was quite a bit better than us, with many of our players brand new to the game, and I thought they’d have twice as many goals against us.

4Which consists of myself, Kim & Sharon at the moment, although we are hoping to recruit more.



{September 26, 2007}   Feast or Famine Part Deux

Not unlike how I went from having no jobs to having three, I went from having no hockey team to being on two!

UBC had announced in late summer that two of the ice surfaces at the torn-down-but-being-rebuilt-for-the-Olympics Thunderbird Winter Sports Centre were ready to go and so there would be rec hockey, but only a limited number of teams could join. And, as such, only teams where the majority of players come from a single group (be it a faculty, a club, a fraternity or sorority) would be allowed to register on a first-come, first-served basis. And being that one of my three jobs is teaching at UBC, I would actually be allowed to play in the rec league1! Unfortunately, although we tried to do some recruiting, it didn’t look like we could find enough players from my old Faculty to reunite my old team and, in the meantime, I was invited to join a team that plays in Coquitlam. But now it turns out that UBC Rec let my old Faculty join up with the Faculty of Forestry, as both Faculties are very small, to make a team. So now I get to play at UBC too2!

Hopefully all this hockey means that I will be in somewhat reasonable shape to run that half marathon that I’m not training for3.

1Although I am only teaching from Jan to April, so I’m really hoping that they don’t tell me I can only play during term 2!
2Provided, of course, that they count me as a staff member for the year, even though my course doesn’t start ’til next term. Fingers crossed!!
3Weren’t you supposed to be berating me to ensure that I stick with my training program? Shame on you!



I think I’ve lost my ability to regenerate skin. I believe this happens when you get old; you just don’t heal like you used to.

The front of my right ankle is torn up from two high speed encounters of my leg + a rock on my camping/hiking trip two weekends ago. The lateral side of my right ankle bears a massive wound inflicted on me by my hockey shinpad rubbing against my ankle during my first game back after a hockey-less year.

My right knee has finally recovered, with only a slight scar remaining, from a failed attempt to tag out a runner who was trying to get back to first base after a pop fly was caught, which ended with us both in the gravel and him safe. That was at my last softball game, August 18.

I have two cuts – one on my left knee and one just below my left knee, out to the left side – which I have no idea where they came from, but they seem to be healing rather slowly as well. Below that, on my left shin, is a reminder of a battle I had with a razer blade – which the razer blade definitively won. Lateral side of my left ankle – same deal. And I’ve just now noticed two scrapes on my right calf that I have no recollection of being there before.

And scar tissue on the top of my right foot bears witness to the cut I got from wearing these shoes – an injury that occurred early in the summer and is only just now starting to fade.

Similarly, a bee (or possibly hornet or possibly wasp) sting on the medial side of my right thigh, which I scratched until it bled as it was itchy as all hell, is still visible, again well over a month later.

And now I have two fresh blisters, one on the back of each heel, from the shoes I keep insisting on wearing with the thought “Sure, they’ve given me blisters every time I’ve worn them, but I’m positive I’ve broken them in now. This time will be different.”



{September 24, 2007}   Shorty

So I find myself typing out another quick blog posting on my beloved Palm Treo – being once again without a book (or an e-book). This time I’m at the arena, way early for my hockey game due to (a) the innate ability I have to leave early for anywhere I need to go on the assumption that travel will be awful/the bus will be late/my co-op car won’t be there/etc. only on those instances when traffic is non-existent/the bus is exactly on time/my co-op car is exactly where it should be when I get there/etc., and (b) the fact that I drive fast.

This time, I give you a list of the reasons why it’s great to be short:

  • you can fit your hockey sticks in the trunk without having to put the seat down
  • the big bruiser of a defencewomen thinks she can knock you over, but your lower centre of gravity foils her evil plan

Yup, that’s pretty much the only benefits of being short.



{September 21, 2007}   I’ve Got a New Love…

… or Taylor who?

Went to tonight’s Canucks v. Oilers pre-season game. A certain right-winger caught my eye all game. #27. “Who is #27?” I kept asking my friends all game, but they couldn’t read his name on the back of his jersey either, from our seats up in the nosebleeds.

But I got my answer when, with the scored tied 4-4 and only 2.5 seconds left in the game, my new beloved got a breakaway and snapped one past the goalie to win the game.

Isbister. Brad Isbister.


On my new hockey team, I’m #27. And I’m a right winger. It’s fate, right?

The only minor problem with this whole situation, which I just found out while searching for a pic of my new love, is that he happens to be inconveniently married to someone who is not me.

Thank goodness that 50% of marriages end in divorce! I’ll be waiting for you Bradley, I’ll be waiting for you.



{September 20, 2007}   My New Ringtone

If you have my cell phone number, you should call me, because I *love* hearing my new ringtone.

You know you are jealous!



{September 19, 2007}   Yar!

Happy Blog Like A Pirate Day, you scallywags!



{September 19, 2007}   Vote for Breakdown!

My friend Johnny’s short film Breakdown has been nominated for 4 Canadian Comedy Awards, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to pimp his film to my legions1 of blog fans.

To entice, I give you the blurb for the film:

In May 2006, filmmakers John Bolton and Errin Clutton were given eight days and eight hundred dollars to produce the disaster film BREAKDOWN for the Crazy8s short film event. Unfortunately, they spent the first seven days in casting. On the eighth day, they cut together “Breakdown” with the only footage they had – the video from the casting session. This is that film. Starring Christopher Shyer (WHISTLER), Amanda Tapping (STARGATE: SG-1), Carly McKillip (ALICE, I THINK), Sonya Salomaa (THE COLLECTOR) and Winston Rekert (NEON RIDER) as themselves. A Crazy8s Film Ltd. Production in association with JB Productions and Maple Syrup. Distributed by Ouat Media.

Intrigued? You can check out the film by going here and scrolling down to “Category – Film.” Go watch it – watch it now! And then you can like vote for it and stuff. Go vote – vote now!

1“legions” is a synonym for “dozens,” right?



{September 18, 2007}   A Night of Firsts

So last night I took my first trip in a Car Co-op Car to my first hockey game on my new team. Oh yes, did I mention that I joined the Car Co-op? And that I joined a new hockey team? Perhaps I should back up a few steps.

A few weeks ago, I joined the Car Co-op. It’s actually called the Co-operative Auto Network (or CAN), but I just call it the Car Co-op because, well, it’s a car co-op1. The deal with the co-op is that you put down a $500 (refundable) deposit to become a member and then you co-operatively own the cars, along with all the other members. The cars are spread out over the city and you book them online when you want to use them – first come, first served. You pay depending on how much time you have the car and how many kilometers you drive. It’s much cheaper than buying a car and since I discovered that I can’t afford even a measly $21,000 (after all the fees & taxes), plus insurance, for my beloved Smart Car2, this is the only way for me to get my hands on some wheels.

And I need wheels because I just joined a new hockey team, but they play out in Coquitlam. Coq, for those of you who aren’t from around these parts, is a 45 minute drive3 from my house. And it appears that I’m the only person on the team who isn’t from Coq, so there is no chance to car pool. So I needed some wheels. Hence the Car Co-op.

Plus, having access to wheels makes the idea of getting a ski pass this winter feasible. I’ve lived in this city far too long without having a ski pass!

But back to the hockey. My new team is awesome! Everyone is so nice and so friendly! And with lots of team spirit! They’ve been playing together for awhile (only me and one other person are new to the team this year) and there is just an overall positive vibe to the team. I was worried before the game, since I hadn’t played in sooooo long, but it all comes back to you, just like riding a bike. Take short shifts, skate hard, stand in front of the net, wait for good player to pass to you & shovel the puck in the net3… or tie up the defenceman in front of the net to give one of the good players a clear shot. I was playing right wing last night (on my former team, I was a centre) and I quite liked it. I still have to get used to the position and where I’m supposed to be under different circumstances, but positioning has always been my strong point, so I’m sure I’ll pick it up quickly. [OK, so this is weird. I just looked on the Canucks website to see who is a right winger (and thus, who I should be watching now that pre-season is under way) and, apparently all of our forwards are either centres or left wingers, other than new kid Ryan Shannon. What the f is up with that? Also, Ryan Shannon – get a haircut, you hippie!]

So, yeah, Car Coop – great. New hockey team – great. If you want to join the Co-op, tell them that I referred you and I’ll get $20. And you know how much I like getting stuff for free!

1I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but it was only a few years ago when I actually learned what a co-op is. Before that, I just knew the Co-op as the place where my dad bought feed for his chickens.

2thanks $850 a month in student loan payments!

3Or a 372 hour bus ride. Give or take.

4One of these days, I really do need to learn how to actually shoot the puck.



{September 16, 2007}   Bus Girl

There’s something really strange about wearing clubbing clothes outside of the clubbing district. Like while waiting, in actual daylight, at a bus stop in the sleepy neighborhood in which one lives. And whilst on said bus, once it arrives.

And when you are fond of the type of outlandish footwear that I am, doubly so.

Perhaps the people on this bus with me don’t realize that I can see their glares.

Another problem with being a bus girl who lives in a sleepy old person neighborhood who therefore needs to take relatively long bus trips to get to dinner and clubbing venues has to do with the limited purse size that one can reasonably take to a club. Ordinarily when I’m on a bus, say going to work or shopping or meeting a friend for coffee, I take a big canvas bag with me. Said bag will stow such things as my lunch, travel mug and importantly, a book. I do almost all of my reading on the bus. I’ve trained myself to read books on the bus. But I can’t very well bring a big ole canvas bag to a club, now can I? And club purses are minuscule. It’s an unspoken rule of clubbing, like that the skankiest girl in the bar will inevitably be the one wearing the white Daisy Duke shorts with stiletto heels1. My club purse will hold my camera & Treo2, but not much else. I can’t even fit my wallet into my club purse – I just take the necessary cards3 and some cash. Oh yes, and my iPod and a lipstick. These are all tiny items, especially in comparison to a book.

So what’s a girl to do to keep herself occupied on the bus? Write a blog entry on her Treo, of course! On her Treo’s wee little keyboard. Boy, she sure wishes that she had this spiffy fold out keyboard that would allow her to type on a full-sized keyboard on her Treo, but yet will fold up so small that it will fit even in her tiniest of club purses. She really hopes that Santa will bring her one for Christmas.

Hint hint.

1For the record, I don’t even *own* a pair of white Daisy Duke shorts.

2my still *nameless* Treo, by the way.

3driver’s license, Care Card4, credit & debit cards

4Clarification for my Ontarian readers, this is the BC equivalent of an OHIP card. For my American readers, we have this thing in Canada called universal health care – you carry around a card and the government pays your medical bills. You should try it out. I always bring my CareCard with me. Being superstitious, I feel it is a talisman against my becoming sick or injured and thus *needing* to have my CareCard with me.



{September 14, 2007}   Brainlessness

The other day I was chatting with my sister and she said “Boys only get their brains after 30.”

A few days later at work, I came across this quotation:

“...a second major phase of brain growth that parallels the hormonal changes at puberty and extends into the mid-twenties. This second spurt is especially prominent in the frontal lobes, an area associated with planning, reasoning, and impulse control. Until this occurs, adolescents are not yet capable of exercising these processes consistently. “

So she was literally correct about boys not getting their brains until they are 30. Of course, the same would hold true for girls… I now plan to use this excuse for any stupid decision I have made up until now in my life. If I’d known this, I would have listed “my frontal lobes weren’t fully developed and thus my planning, reasoning and impulse control was not operational when I got married” on my divorce papers. I think it would hold up in court.

So, based on this scientific evidence, I’m now supposed to include “anyone under 30” on my list of “qualities which, if you possess them, will preclude my dating you” list. This list, which is growing rapidly, now includes1:

  • anyone named Dave (my ex) or Chris (my sister’s ex)
  • the British
  • boys who still live with their moms
  • Surrey trash
  • pretty boys
  • anyone under the age of 30

I have a rather hard time with those last two though.

So, does anyone know any ugly old guys that I can date?

1but is not limited to. I swear there were way more things on this list when I was talking to my sister, but I can’t remember what they were now.



et cetera