Not To Be Trusted With Knives











My niece is turning 3 this month. So, being the super aunt that I am, I actually decided to buy her present well in advance of the date, in order to be able to it to her in time for the big day2.

So, I’m standing in a toy store and another shopper notices my deer-in-headlights look and says to me, “Are you looking for a birthday gift?” and when I say “Yes!!” her immediate question is, “For a boy or a girl?”

“A three year old… girl,” I say, with a bit of hesitation. To me, the “three year old” is the more important part, but to her, not so much.

“Oh, I only have boys, so I know all about toys for boys, but not for girls.”

“I never buy girly toys,” I say. “I prefer “boy” toys3 myself.”

She shows me this air hockey toy thing were you get to kick the disc thingy, which floats on air of its own accord, around your house. Its edges are padded so it’s OK to play inside.4

IMG_2876

“Too bad it’s hockey,” she says, “They used to have a soccer one.” “I play hockey!” I say, “This is perfect!”

And it was like she didn’t even hear me. Almost as if “girl” and “hockey” in the same sentence did not compute within her brain. She just kept going on about the soccer one.

We chat for a little while longer and then, as she leaves, despite the fact that I am holding the air hockey toy and have loudly declared “I am *totally* buying her this!”, she says “It really is too bad they don’t have the soccer one, it would have been perfect for her.”

WTF? I mean, the soccer one is the EXACT SAME TOY, just painted differently!

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve actually decided to give my niece the hockey toy for Christmas because I’m going to Ontario for the holidays, so I won’t have to mail it (it’s kind of big for mailing). This is in no way because I want to be able to play with this toy too, which I can’t do if I mail it to her now, but I can if I bring it with me for Christmas. I can’t believe you would even suggest that!

For her birthday I’m giving her this:

IMG_2875

I found this toy in the same store while talking to the woman who is unable to understand that girls can play hockey. My sister had this game when we were little. You fill it up with water and then you press the little white button on the front to send the little balls floating up and you try to get them into the little plastic bucket in front of the crab. Simple, but I swear to you, hours and hours of fun!! And if Madeline doesn’t like it, I know that Nancy will!

I also got her this:

IMG_2879

It’s bubbles that don’t burst when you touch them, so you can like grab them and carry them around with you. God knows what chemical is in them that allows this to happen and I’m sure we’ll all get cancer and die from it, but damn, that sounds like hours and hours of fun!!

1That title is there because I don’t want my sister and her bf to read this blog posting because it will ruin the surprise for them of what I got Madeline for her birthday.

2Unlike the rest of all y’all, who routinely receive your birthday presents from me a month after your actual birthday. Apparently I am a super aunt, but somewhat of a mediocre friend.

3By which I mean toys that are marketed for male children. Not the other kind of “boy toy.” Not that I object to those personally, just not for my niece!

4If the idea of people kicking stuff around in your house is a problem, Nancy, speak now or forever hold your peace. Oh righ, I told you not to read this posting… hee hee!

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So, I get into work this morning and the hallway is abuzz with the fact that our computers aren’t working. No email. No Internet access. No access to the one drive where everyone in our Centre saves all of our files. Nothing.

Two and a half hours later, when they finally got around to fixing the problem, I find this email in my inbox:

From: IT Services
Subject:
IMPORTANT NOTIFICATION – NON-SCHEDULED INTERRUPTION TO

OUTLOOK EMAIL AND FILE/APPLICATION SERVERS

Who is affected? All XXXXX clients across all XXXXX agencies.

What has happened? A power disruption occurred sometime this morning in one of the server rooms at XXXXX.

What is affected? Access to Outlook email servers may be intermittent.

However, the following applications are currently unavailable: X, Y and Z.

Other applications may be affected. XXXXX IT is currently in the process of identifying which applications are affected and will provide a further update as soon as more information is available.

You just emailed me to tell me that my email isn’t working? Seriously??

So, without access to the Internet, email or any of my computer files, I did the only thing I could. File all the paper that’s been piling up all over my office since the last time the computers weren’t working.

This computer outage lasted so long, however, that not only did I file everything, I also wiped down all the coffee spills on my desk (of which there were many) and took apart my keyboard to get the crumbs out. Seriously, it was disgusting the amount of crumbs and dust and unidentifiable gunk that was in my keyboard.

While I had my computer apart, I took this photo for y’all:

blog



Wow. I just got the following email message:

Your message did not reach some or all of the intended recipients.

Subject: FW: Guest Speaker Wayne Hall May 4th – please post
Sent: 4/11/2007 9:23 AM

The following recipient(s) could not be reached:

xxxxxxxxxxx on 11/5/2007 4:45 PM

Take a careful look at the “Sent” date. April 11. I am getting a notification on November 5 that an email I sent *seven months ago* didn’t get to its intended recipient. That’s so very, very useful.



{October 30, 2007}   Transmorphers?

transmorphers

Really?


Just received this email:

From:DR NICK COLE.
Manchester M27 5FX, United Kingdom.

This is to inform you that your funds of US$10 Million has been approved for immediate delivery to you.For the purpose of clarification,you are advised to reconfirm:
(1)Your Full Names———
(2)Your Direct Telephone Numbers——–
(3)Your Physical Address with Zip Code——-

So that there will be no error during the delivery of the funds to you in your country of residence.Your quick response will be highly appreciated.

DR NICK COLE.

Thank god. I can really use $10 Million, even if it is in crappy US dollars.



{October 27, 2007}   Oh Em Gee

OMG. I just saw this over on Kris‘s blog and I had to share it with you. HAD TO.



{October 21, 2007}   Behind the Visor

For years, I’ve been using a visor on my hockey helmet that doesn’t fit properly1. In fact, I’ve been using it since I started playing hockey almost 5 years ago. It was a handy-me-down from my ex – he didn’t like playing with a full face shield, so got himself a half visor and I acquired the ill-fitting full one2. After 4 years of hockey, this visor is now scratched all to hell and it’s always fogged up something terrible. And, really, when you think about it, it’s probably not the best idea to have your safety equipment jury-rigged together. So I finally broke down and bought my own properly fitting visor.

Attaching said visor to my helmet, however, was no small feat. I mean, look at these directions:

instructions

Aside from the fact the chart that tells you if this visor will actually fit your particular helmet is *inside* the packaging (meaning you don’t know for sure until you buy it if it’s going to fit), you seem to need an engineering degree to assemble this damn thing. They appear to have one set of instructors for like 5 different types of visors, so it’s all “For concept II protectors (type 1 and 2), thread the chin strap through the chin cup and face protector as shown in figures 2 and 4.” And I’m all “mine is what concept? what type? whose figure? My cat’s breath smells like cat food.” I mean, for crying out loud, you need a 3 part picture, with multiple arrows, just to loop the chinstrap through the side of the visor:

instructions2

… and that’s before you even start attaching screws and clips and suchlike. Speaking of which, does anyone have any idea what these screws are for?

screws

Because they were left over when I was done and I don’t see anything in the instructions saying what I was supposed to have done with them.

Anyway, although it did take much longer that I expected, by some miracle I seem to have attached the new visor to the helmet in enough time to actually blog this before I have to go pick up my co-op car for tonight’s game.

Also, I’m fighting off a cold, so I’ve affixed some warning signs to my water bottle:

IMG_2756

IMG_2760

Hockey players tend to drink out of any bottle on the bench and, since I’d hate to get any more people sick than I’ve already infected, I figured a couple of bright purple signs will help.

1It’s an adult-sized visor and all my equipment is junior boys.
2I’m of the opinion that this face is far too pretty not to have full protection.



{October 5, 2007}   Sugar Daddies, Inc.

So I just saw an ad for this: http://www.seekingmillionaire.com/

From their site:

Seeking Millionaire is the premier Millionaire dating site.

The premier site for millionaire online dating. Not one of those cut rate ones.

You know, you’d think with all those millionaires paying to be on this site, they be able to afford and editor to tell them that the second “millionaire” in that sentence shouldn’t be capitalized.



{September 28, 2007}  

Dear Girl on her Cell Phone in the Movie Theatre Bathroom,

Please note that it is not acceptable to talk on a cell phone while using the bathroom. I mean, I’m sure it was very, very important that you tell your friend/lover/parent/baby daddy “I just saw Resident Evil!” but I really do think that this could wait for 30 seconds until you are done using the facilities. Saying “I’m in the bathroom” and then flushing the toilet while on the phone – also not acceptable.

Sincerely,

Everyone Else on the Planet.



{August 28, 2007}  

In the space of twenty-four hours, three people have asked me for advice on whether they should make a major career change. Which I find a bit funny, seeing as I’m the one who was so recently unemployed and couldn’t even find a job for six months.



{July 31, 2007}   Pierre Chretien

I was just reading this article on the Global TV website and was looking at the “photo gallery” of the “10 Worst Canadians,” as voted on by any jackass with Internet access. When I got to #6 in the photo gallery, I noticed this oddity:

[Click on the pic to see it in its full-sized glory]

Pierre Chretien1? Really, Global TV? Really?

You seriously need to fire your editor.

1For the benefit of my American readers, the man in that photo is Jean Chretien. He was our Prime Minister for just over a decade (Nov 1993 to Dec 2003). Certainly long enough for us to have learned his name.



{July 17, 2007}   Stupidest Toe Injury Ever

Today, on the way to work. My flip flop flipped when it should have flopped and, as a result, my big toe scraped along the ground, taking a big chunk out of it in the process.

This incident of stupidity has been brought to you by the letter J1

1as in, I am a jackass.



Friday night after my softball game, my team went to the pub for some hard earned post-game beers. A few of my teammates got some of those pull-tab lottery thingys, where if you pull a tab to discover three of a kind, you win cash. As they were discarding the non-winning tickets onto the table, I picked one up to have a look at it and look what I discovered:


Why the hell is the female symbol (♀) only worth $25, but the male (♂) symbol worth $100? What the f is up with that???



{May 23, 2007}   What the F is That?

I’ve decided to start an irregular* feature here on “Blog That Needs a New Name” – a feature called: What the F is That?

In this feature, I will put up a photo and the first person to correctly identify what the f is in the photo will win valuable BTNaNN points**.

OK, are you ready? Here’s the first entry. Who can tell me what the f this is:

<img src=”http://farm1.static.flickr.com/200/505148556_a2c42f2278.jpg” alt=”Align Center

And it is so not what you are thinking it is.

Any guesses?

*irregular in that it will not be a daily, or weekly, or monthly feature, but rather will show up based completely on my whims, the availability of weird photos and/or my lack of other ideas of things to blog about.

**those in possession of Thesis Writing is Hell (or Thesis Writing was Hell) points can transfer them to BTNaNN points upon request



This delightful piece of spam somehow escaped my spam filter and ended up in my inbox. I usually just ignore things like this, that are obviously spam, but for some reason I read this one and couldn’t help but laugh:

Dear Sir/Madam,

RBC Financial Group always looks forward for the high security of our clients. Some customers have been receiving an email claiming to be from RBC Financial Group advising them to follow a link to what appear to be a RBC Financial Group web site, where they are prompted to enter their personal Online Banking details. RBC Financial Group is in no way involved with this email and the web site does not belong to us.

RBC Financial Group is proud to announce about their new updated secure system. We updated our new SSL servers to give our customers a better, fast and secure online banking service.

Due to the recent update of the servers, you are requested to please update your account info at the following link.

https://www1.royalbank.com/english/netaction/sgne.html

RBC Financial Group
Security Advisor
RBC Financial Group

The spammers have now taken to trashing spammers in their spam. And you just know some people get this email and thought, “Ya, it’s about time the bank warned us about spammers trying to get us to go to false websites where they steal our banking info! Now I’m going to click on this link and type in all my banking info! That’ll show you, spammers!”

For the record, that’s not actually a link there… I took out the link and just made it blue & underlined… those spammers will be getting no link love from the likes of me!



et cetera