Not To Be Trusted With Knives

Yesterday’s posting got me thinking about a blog posting that’s been kicking around in my brain for quite some time, but that I’ve never gotten around to writing.  Here, in no particular order, are some of my favourite lyrics (I think you will sense a theme):

From “What’s My Age Again” by Blink 182:

Then later on, on the drive home
I called her mom from a pay phone
I said I was the cops
And your husband’s in jail
The state looks down on sodomy

From “Holy Virgin” by Groove Coverage1:

I am your holy virgin,
Be gentle all the time
I am your holy virgin,
I’ll blow your mind

I am your holy virgin
And if you touch me right
I’ll be your nasty virgin

From Alice Cooper’s Poison2:

I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name.

From “You” by Groove Coverage:

My emotions getting strong your heart be close to mine,
If I can be your girl tonight across your soul I’ll sign.

Would you say my name when I’m sleeping next to you,
And would you say it loud when I’m lying over you.
No one does it better no one loves the way you do,
As long as there’s eternity believe me there is you.
Would you say my name when I’m sleeping next to you,
And would you scream it loud when I’m lying over you.

From “Animals” by Nickelback3:

You’re beside me on the seat
Got your hand between my knees
And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze
It’s hard to steer when you’re breathing in my ear
But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears
By now, no doubt that we were heading south
I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth

From “She’s Not Me” by Madonna:

I just want to be there when you discover
When you wake up next to your new lover
She might cook you breakfast and love you in the shower
The flavor of the moment, cause she don’t have what’s ours

From “Cemetery” by Headstones:

Went down to the cemetery looking for love
Got there and my baby was buried
I had to dig her up
There’s only one point that I’d like to make
These kinds of things deteriorate
It’s the gospel truth man
She’s embalmed in love juice

From “Drugs Are Good” by NOFX:

1-2 fuck off, drop out, never trust a fucking hippie4
And for that matter don’t trust anyone.
Drugs are good, they let you do things that you know you not should.
And when you do ’em people think that you’re cool.

And when you do ’em people think that you’re cool.

From “My Alcoholic Friends” by the Dresden Dolls:

I’m trying hard
Not to be ashamed
Not to know the name
Of who is waking up beside me
Or the date, the season or the city
But at least the ceiling”s very pretty

From “White America” by Eminem:

(As you’ve probably noticed, most of they lyrics I like are just dirty.  But Eminem constantly amazes me with his talent with language.. here’s just two of many examples).

Until I met Dre
The only one who looked past
Gave me a chance
And I lit a fire up under his ass
Helped him get back to the top
Every fan black that I got
Was probably his in exchange for every white fan that he’s got
Like damn we just swapped
To spit liquor in the faces of this democracy of hypocrisy
Fuck you Ms. Cheney
Fuck you Tipper Gore
Fuck you with the freeness of speech this divided states of embarrassment
Will allow me to have

From “Tap That” by Megan McCauley:

I’m gonna teach you how to scream my name
You’re never gonna get away from me
Yeah, I kinda like that
I wanna tap that
You can bet I’m gonna get you (YOU)
Come over here and play with me
Let me be your dirty fantasy

I’m pretty sure that video got the lyrics right, but clearly the people working at various other lyrics websites didn’t see this particular video and resorted to a lot of guesswork as to what Megan was saying in this song.  A few examples of where two song lyrics websites disagree:

From Metro Lyrics From Lyrics Mania
Don’t play dumb you know you wanted to
feel my cup, that’s what we came to do
Really? Well, I guess maybe he does want to
feel your cup.
Don’t play dumb you know you wanted to
fill my cup, that’s what we came to do
I’m the boss, keep that in your head I’m no monster keep that in your head
Let me be your dirty fantasy Let me be your tiny fantasy
“Tiny” fantasy? What? Like a midget fetish or something?
Head to toe priceless Heads are so priceless

This is my favourite misheard lyric EVER!

1I would like to point out that this video appears to have nothing to do with this song. But I was worried that no one was going to rescue that poor singer who seemed to be inexplicably stuck in that phone booth, so at least they paid that off in the end.
2I’ve included the video of the Groove Coverage cover of Poison here for your viewing pleasure, because I like it better than Alice Cooper video. And it’s not as weird as the GC video for Holy Virgin.
3That is quite possibly the worst directed video in the history of music videos.  And the guy in the car just looks like a is a total douche nozzle, doesn’t he?
4That one’s for you, Dave.

et cetera