Not To Be Trusted With Knives











{October 25, 2008}   The Dangers of Shopping Around Halloween Time

Disclaimer: Dan, you probably shouldn’t read this posting. I know you will, but you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Scene: I’m walking down the street and see a toy shop and remember that there is something in said shop that I want to buy.  I also notice that there are an insane number of really large spider decorations in the window.  Some of which have yellow stripes on them, which somehow made them a thousand times worse!  But I really, really want to buy something in that store.  It’s like a galactic battle between my desire to shop and my arachnophobia1.  Score one for shopping. I go in the store.  But I run in with my eyes averted.  And I discover, to my absolute horror, that there are more giant spiders hanging from the ceiling. Like right above my head, ready to jump on me!  Trying to keep my terrifying squealing to a minimum, a scurry to the back of the store, where the product I want will be. I find said product.  But I have a question about it.  And both the salespeople are standing at the cash register… which is right in front of the window full o’spiders!  Do I go up there to ask the question?  Do I wait until one of them comes out from behind the cash.  No, I can’t wait all day.  So, I make my way towards the cash but… I can’t do it. I can’t stand that close to that many horrible, horrible spiders.  Even if I have my eyes closed, I’d still know they were there.  Hell, if I had my eyes closed, I wouldn’t be able to tell if these inanimate monsters suddenly came to life and started crawling at me! *shudder*

So this is my solution: stand within view of the salespeople, try to look at them without looking at what’s just behind them and… ZOMG, that salesperson has a spider ON HER HEAD!  OK, OK, don’t panic. Look at the other salesperson. Get her attention.  Shout across the store, “Can I ask you a question about this… but over here, away from all those spiders?”  Try not to be too ashamed in the face of their laughter.  Fortunately, the salesperson is willing to humour me, including coming over to answer my questions and taking my credit card over to the cash register, ringing up my purchase there and then bringing me the receipt to sign, far, far away from the den of evil.  And then yelling “run, run quick” as I left the store.

And that, my friends, is why I shouldn’t leave my house around Halloween time.

1I think it’s a bad sign that even seeing the word “arachnophobia” on the screen kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies.  Or the screaming habdabs. The howling fantods, if you will.

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chris says:

You do NOT want to read @rahafharfoush’s latest tweet. Blech. Ew.



Georgette says:

You should have done all of that while sitting in your car. And if anyone mean mugged you, you should have said “Whattup drive thrus!”



gillicious says:

I know a girl who freaks out if you play the piano in a spider-like way (like, your fingers move like spider legs). I think that beats your phobia, if that makes you feel any better.



Beth says:

I once stomped on my then-brother-in-law’s hand because he was making his fingers move like spiders. And not just because I was mad at him, but as a reflex ‘cuz I was so freaked out. My phobia knows no bounds.



Dan says:

I read your post. I shouldn’t have. I was warned. Apparently I’m an idjit. Idjit with a capital I.

I have learned my lesson. I will never EVER read another post that begins with a personal disclaimer. I will say that I am proud (and slightly jealous) of your courage. There is no way in hell I would have gone in said store. There is a chocolate shop in the mall that has a group of overly large evils in the window. I didn’t notice them the first time I went in. Regardless, once I realized their existence I freaked. FREAKED. I can’t stand to think about those evil critters and chocolate in the same shop; it’s just so very wrong.



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