Not To Be Trusted With Knives

Disclaimer: Dan, you probably shouldn’t read this posting. I know you will, but you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Scene: I’m walking down the street and see a toy shop and remember that there is something in said shop that I want to buy.  I also notice that there are an insane number of really large spider decorations in the window.  Some of which have yellow stripes on them, which somehow made them a thousand times worse!  But I really, really want to buy something in that store.  It’s like a galactic battle between my desire to shop and my arachnophobia1.  Score one for shopping. I go in the store.  But I run in with my eyes averted.  And I discover, to my absolute horror, that there are more giant spiders hanging from the ceiling. Like right above my head, ready to jump on me!  Trying to keep my terrifying squealing to a minimum, a scurry to the back of the store, where the product I want will be. I find said product.  But I have a question about it.  And both the salespeople are standing at the cash register… which is right in front of the window full o’spiders!  Do I go up there to ask the question?  Do I wait until one of them comes out from behind the cash.  No, I can’t wait all day.  So, I make my way towards the cash but… I can’t do it. I can’t stand that close to that many horrible, horrible spiders.  Even if I have my eyes closed, I’d still know they were there.  Hell, if I had my eyes closed, I wouldn’t be able to tell if these inanimate monsters suddenly came to life and started crawling at me! *shudder*

So this is my solution: stand within view of the salespeople, try to look at them without looking at what’s just behind them and… ZOMG, that salesperson has a spider ON HER HEAD!  OK, OK, don’t panic. Look at the other salesperson. Get her attention.  Shout across the store, “Can I ask you a question about this… but over here, away from all those spiders?”  Try not to be too ashamed in the face of their laughter.  Fortunately, the salesperson is willing to humour me, including coming over to answer my questions and taking my credit card over to the cash register, ringing up my purchase there and then bringing me the receipt to sign, far, far away from the den of evil.  And then yelling “run, run quick” as I left the store.

And that, my friends, is why I shouldn’t leave my house around Halloween time.

1I think it’s a bad sign that even seeing the word “arachnophobia” on the screen kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies.  Or the screaming habdabs. The howling fantods, if you will.

et cetera