Not To Be Trusted With Knives











{August 15, 2008}   EYE SURGERY LIVE BLOG

8:45 Getting off bus in two stops. Can’t wait for eye surgery.

8:53 Damnit damnit tripped on NOTHING outside of Cafe Artiango. Only person who asked how I was doing was homeless man. I’m bleeding bad.

8:59 In lobby. They gave me a bandaid. Since these bastards don’t take Amex, I wont get any AirKiles out of this. Instead i dropped $3900 onto my visa.

9:10 Booooooooooring Sitting in lobby, strategically hiding my book ‘The God Delusion’ in case surgeon is a Christian fundamentalist.

9:12 Okay they’re coming to get me.

9:26 have to keep blackberry hidden. i”m in a room with many time machines. driving technicians crazy by asking what they all do. should have remembered to go pee before this.

9:35 Back in waiting room again. Lots of people in here with big dark glasses on. Hahaha.

9:45 Reading more from my Book of Heresy. Nice lady says the next exam is soon. I don’t believe her.

9:51 I AM TRYINH TO TYPW WHILE THEY

9:54 Back in lobby. So that didn’t work out, but I think I know how to type AND be operated on at the time time now though.  We’ll see. Just got three pills. These anti-anxiety drugs are making me very nervous.

10:08 Okay, that was pointless. Just spent ten minutes listening to a boring CD (but with nice music) that told me they would be lasering the thetans from my eyes. It ends with the words “We will be coming for you soon.” I didn’t know this was the Scientology laser eye centre. Uh oh. I think one of my drugs just kicked in. Wheeeee!!

10:12 that was fast. in chair now. room looks like they conduct alien autopsies in here… and they don’t go well. i snuck a photo of the surgeon with my cameraphone. don’t know if i can post it here:

10:13 was that a sparrow?!?!! no. never mind. stupid robins.

10:15 they just gave me a stress ball to squeeze. a fucking stress ball? bad sign?

10:27 ******hard tp type with eye patch on and lasr bea in other!

10:28 OW OW OW OW OW!!! surgeon just pulled my hair.

10:34 im done. faster than i thought.

10:38 bacl in room with comfu chair. eyes are closed. i have to sit here for half hour. roking in my little chair

10:54 whoooooooooa. imagining loooooooong hallway that i’m the the end of and it’s moving away from me. trippy. i thin kthe othr drugs have kicked in now. my vision is clear in my imagination now. they surgery must have worked!!

11:12 back into first exam room i think. they caught me liveblogging but i told them i was texting my aunt. some chick looking at my eyes.

11:41 visa declined card. eyes being stapled back together.

11:42 just kidding. ok i think i’m done here. now adding live-blogger to my cv. i’ll sit down and post this right now.

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chris says:

Live-blogging one’s own surgery. I hope this is a first.



Dan says:

Most awesome, hilarious and insane post ever. I love LOVE the
typos as they add to the sense of urgency AND the mischief of blogging whilst having eyes laser beamed.



Dan says:

PS…I hope the lasering went well and that you are now enjoying life with perfect vision.



Kalev says:

I love your surgeon! And his surgical implement. That’s hilarious.



Dave says:

I AM TRYINH TO TYPW WHILE THEY made me laugh and laugh and laugh. You should have just ended the post there and made us all freak the fuck out.



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