Not To Be Trusted With Knives

{January 16, 2008}  

After a bit of a hiatus, Touch You Last has brought you the next installment of “Inside the Blogger’s Studio,” wherein TYLer Dave interviews the peeps on his blogroll. He kicked off the series with an interview of ‘lil ole me and now his latest interview is with Jorge1 from Barking Space. I provide you with this link because, well, because I think it’s a funny interview. And because I’m insanely jealous that I didn’t get to do an audio interview2. I know I live on the other side of the country, but we could have done a double-ender3.

1Pronounced like “George,” not like “Hor-hey,” just FYI.
2And from the sounds of it, only Jorge is going to get the audio treatment.
2For the record, a “double-ended” is *not* what you think it is. Get your mind out of the gutter!


{January 16, 2008}   Meet Marla

As you know, I experience great difficulty in coming up with good names for things. But when I got this smoking hot new iPod for my birthday1,2, I came up with a name rather quickly. In honour of my third annual 29th birthday, I watched Fight Club, one of my most favourite movies ever, and it became clear that my iPod could have only one name. Allow me to introduce you to Marla:


Since I now have about sixty trillion terabytes of space on my fancy new iPod, I added a whole bunch o’podcasts:


But I still have fifty-nine trillion, nine hundred and ninety-nine billion, nine hundred and nintey-nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine terabytes (give or take), so if you have a favourite podcast that you think I should check out, let me know.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go print up a label with my name and phone number on it to stick onto Marla, in case she goes missing, so that whoever finds her can return her to me. And I will be printing said label on my fancy schmancy printer. Which I need to review here in blogland soon. I don’t want to spoil this upcoming printer review, but suffice it to say, I’m disappointed that the printer doesn’t attach to my vibrator.

1Along with one of those adapter thingys3 that you plug into your iPod and then you can play your iPod over the car radio, which is wicked awesome for when I’m driving to hockey games.
2Thanks again, Giver of Birthday Gifts.
3Not one of these iPod adaptor thingys.

In defiance of Clean Off Your Desk Day, and because it for some unknown reason seemed to alleviate my anger at not being able to find a very important set of papers on my desk, I took these pictures of my office just for you, gentle blog reader:






I’d like to say that there is a system to this mess. You know, like ordered chaos. A method to my madness. Like it’s one of those messes where it looks like a mess from the outside by the creator of said mess knows exactly where everything is in this shitstorm. I’d like to say those things, but if I did, I’d be lying. Sometimes I have to call my cell phone in order to find it on my desk. Seriously.

This weekend was the Taboo Naughty but Nice Sex Show. It’s held every year and I’ve always wanted to go and so yesterday I finally got around to doing just that. And, I have to say, I was kind of disappointed. I’m not sure what I expected exactly. I guess I just expected more variety. Every single booth seemed to have the same thing – if you were in the market for lube, vibrators, lube, a sexy Catholic school girl outfit or lube, you were in luck. But how many vibrator-lube-sexyCatholicschoolgirloutfit-and-lube booths can one person really look at in an afternoon?

The show is supposed to be like a trade show. And aren’t trade shows supposed to be about showing the newest 1 innovations? I have to say that, based on this show, there really isn’t any innovation in vibrator technology… with the notable exception of the vibrator that attaches to your iPod and then vibrates in time with your music. Seriously.

Other “highlights”2 of the show include:

  • A show on the main stage that I didn’t actually watch, but more was subjected to as I walked by. A show by Blyssful Productions – “Home of Blyss, the World’s Only Dominatrix Clown.” You know, Blyss, there’s a reason why there aren’t any other dominatrix clowns in the world. Because who the f@$#^ wants to watch a dominatrix clown???
  • At one booth, they were selling what were essential baby wipes for grown ups. The product was not so much what was interesting here as the explanation about this product’s usefulness given by the saleswoman. And I quote: “These are great to keep in your car. You know, like if you have a quickie and he comes inside you, these are great for cleaning up.” That’s just not something you hear everyday. She also explained that they smell really good. Because you know, you smell bad. Similarly there was a cream to help “tighten” you up3. Can’t you just see some guy buying that for his girlfriend? “Here honey, I bought you this cream ‘cuz you are kinda loose. Oh ya, and you smell bad, so I bought these wipes.”

All in all, I’d have to say that it would be better to spend an afternoon having sex than going to this show.

1I’ve never been to a trade show, but that’s what I always thought they were about.
2And by highlights I mean, um, lowlights.
3Honestly, I’m not making any of this up!

glumbert – How to taunt a hockey player

{January 12, 2008}  

The class I’m teaching is a nutrition course. The classroom is in one of the engineering buildings. As I was setting up my laptop for my lecture yesterday, with the students from the previous class filing out of the room and my students filing in, one of the students from the previous class came up to me and asked bewilderedly, “What class is this?”

“Nutritional Assessment,” I replied, somewhat confused as to why he looked so confused.

“Oh. It’s just in engineering classes there aren’t usually so many…” His voice trailed off.

“Ah. Not usually so many girls. You are wondering where all these women are coming from!”

* * * * *

Overall, the first lecture seemed to go well. It was waaaaay too short, as I suck at estimating how long it will take me to present stuff. But it’s not like anyone is going to complain about leaving early on a Friday. Plus, it gave students lots of time to come up and chat with me, which several did. I love to see that kind of enthusiasm for learning!

Since this was the first class, it was just introductory/refresher stuff, so I was able to get through the material at a fairly rapid pace, as it wasn’t the first time most of the students had seen this stuff. I’m hoping that I was able to convey my passion for the material by the high energy style. Or something like that. All I know what the I was fucking exhausted by the time I got home!

The rest of the classes will be more challenging, as more of the material will be new to them (and to me!).

{January 12, 2008}   First Day of School

Picture it, a few years from now:

Person 1: UBC, 2008. You were in my class!
Me: I was your teacher.1

Just like when you are a student, being the instructor brings up all the same insecurities:

  • Will I know enough? Have I forgotten everything I’ve learned before?
  • Will the other kids like me?
  • What will I wear?

I had the last one covered at least2:


May I direct your attention to my shiny new boots, which I bought to replace my beloved old boots, but that I can actually wear to such things as work and teaching, unlike my new eBay boots.

1Good old ’80s (or was it ’90s) TV commercials!
2My head is cut off in this photo because I looked terrible! My face looked fat (because I wasn’t doing my patented head tilt) and my horrible teeth were showing.

{January 10, 2008}   on robson

on robson
Originally uploaded by random dude

Dave, I saw this photo and thought of you.

When are you and Sarah coming back to Vancuover to visit me?

{January 10, 2008}   couch potato

Since some people around here don’t seem to think that pasting a screen shot of the Cypress Mountain website is a sufficient blog posting1and some people seem to think I’m not slothful enough0, and *despite* the fact that I’m totally exhausted and should be sleeping right now, I give you this blog posting (a) to ensure that no one tries to claim I missed a day of posting and (b) it was already three quarters written.

In the last month, I have watched approximately 4.5 seasons of various television shows. The breakdown goes something like this:

  • Lost – Season 1
  • Lost – Season 2
  • Lost – Season 3
  • Veronica Mars – most of Season 1
  • Heroes2 – about half of Season 1

In my ongoing efforts to be the last person on earth to report on things7, I really liked Lost. Various people have told me that they like one season, but didn’t like another one, but I’ve really liked all of it so far8 I especially enjoyed having the luxury of chainsmoking the episodes, as that show is (a) so damn interconnected and (b) full of cliffhangers, it helps me keep plotlines and characters straight and I like finding out right away what happens after any given cliffhanger.

VM Season 1 is a damn good mystery (well, a bunch of damn good mysteries really) and I can’t wait to get to the end of the season to see whodunit. But I won’t get to do that ’til next week ‘cuz this week has been crazy busy what with all the time I’m spending panicking about my first lecture on Friday.

Heroes is quite enjoyable, but I have stay here and now for all the Internets to read, I cannot – I repeat, CANNOT – stand the part at the beginning and end when Mohinder does his voiceovers. You can tell that they think it sounds cool, but if listen to what he’s actually saying, it never makes any sense. Gah!! On the bright side, the show is entertaining, there’s lots of mystery (and who doesn’t like mystery?) and, as of yet, there are no spiders in it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to sleep. Like right freaking now!

0my blog readers are starting to get so demanding, aren’t they?
1 which it *so* is, by the way
2In HD3. And Surround Sound. God damn, I like HD with Surround Sound.
3Speaking of HD, if there is anything better in life that Canucks games in HD, I haven’t experienced it4.
4Well, other than the obvious. But HD hockey is pretty spectacular too!5
5My sister and her boyfriend were ordering a big TV when I was in Toronto with their Christmas gift money and I said to my sis, “Whatever you do, don’t let “Grampa”6 watch hockey in high def on your TV, or he’ll be moving into your house before you know it.” My niece, hearing this, exclaimed with a great deal of concern in her voice, “But Grampa likes hockey!”
6We refer to my dad as “Grampa” now, because Madeline is, of course, the ultimate frame of reference.
7Everyone wants to bring you the breaking news, but it takes a real superstar, such as myself, to report on things years after they ceased to be news.
8With the notable exception of 2 scenes in the Nicki & Paulo episode that contained friggin’ spiders.

{January 10, 2008}   Can’t Blog. Skiing.

Will report in later.

{January 9, 2008}   T minus 3 days….

When I was in Ottawa, Sarah and Dave gave me this envelope, which is not to be opened until my birthday1:

After shaking it, squeezing it, poking it and holding it up to a light, I have determined that it is not a kitten, a puppy or a Smart Car. Beyond that, I’m not sure what it could be.

In other news, having three jobs, while playing hockey once a week and having a one-night-a-week ski pass2, makes a person very tired. You heard it here first, folks.

1I tried to open it when they gave it to me, but Sarah was having none of that.
2I haven’t even used my ski pass yet, but I’m going to tomorrow, which means that I’ve been scrambling to get my lecture ready in one less day than I would otherwise.

{January 8, 2008}   WTF

Did you know that women’s ski jumping isn’t an Olympic sport? Did you know that there were any Olympic sports where men can play but women can’t?

I had no idea until I read this news article and this news article. Apparently, female ski jumpers filled a gender discrimination complaint with the Canadian Human Rights Commission back in September and a decision is expected soon.

Remind me again what year this is? 1908?

In related news, what would possess someone to name their child “Dick Pound“?

{January 7, 2008}  

They weren’t kidding when they called these habanero potato chips “Death Rain.” I think they gave my internal organs third-degree burns.

This concludes my blog posting for today. You can blame the shortness of my blog posting on whomever scheduled my hockey game for 10:15 p.m. on a Sunday night. I don’t know who they are, but they better hope I don’t find them.

{January 5, 2008}   One Missed Movie

This Margaret Cho vehicle had such promise – remakes of J-horrors usually scare the bejesus out of me. The Ring gave me nightmares1. The Grudge freaked me the fuck out as well. One Missed Call – oh how I wish it had been One Missed Movie.

There were definitely a few points where this movie made me jump2. But overall it was just cheesy. Cheesy cheesy cheesy. And plot holes. And did I mention the cheesiness? I’m sooo glad this was a free sneak preview and that I didn’t actually have to pay for this. I cannot stress this enough – even for a free movie, it was not worth the price of admission.

What the hell was Margaret Cho thinking when she agreed to be in this movie? Did she lose a bet? I bet she lost a bet.

1Yes, that’s nightmares, plural.
2And, at one point, scream. But that was totally because Kalev screamed and scared me. Which he will now add a comment to deny and say that I screamed first, but it’s totally not true.

{January 5, 2008}   My Apologies to Catrina

Last night, I got a phone message for someone named Catrina. As we know, my name is not, nor ever has been, Catrina. Clearly, this was from someone dialing a wrong number. Unfortunately for Catrina, I have a slightly odd message on my voicemail. My message goes something like this:

“Hi. You’ve reached the voicemail of Dr. Beth. The doctor can’t come to the phone right now as she’s doing something very, very important. Please leave a message and she’ll get back to you.”

The message I received last night went something like this:

“Um, hi Catrina. Uh, interesting message. This is Tom from [unintelligible mumble]. Call me right away. I hope I didn’t interrupt surgery.”

I’m guessing, based on Tom’s tone of voice, that Catrina is not a doctor. But didn’t it strike him as extra odd that she referred to herself as “Dr. Beth“?

And speaking of messages I didn’t want to get, I recently was able to get my old UBC email address back, what with the teaching there and all. And I discovered that, in my absence, crap that I’d subscribed to at that email address was still being sent there (despite the account being non-functioning for a year). And today I got a reminder from, a website that reminds you of people’s birthdays and suchlike that I signed up for ages ago:

“Reminder: It is [my ex-husband’s name]’s anniversary on Saturday, January 12th.”

As in, what used to be our anniversary. Like when we are married. Which we are not. The extra annoying thing is, I hadn’t even remembered it until I got that reminder. Which is an accomplishment, as Jan 12 happens to be the day after my very own birthday, so I thought it might be difficult to forget it. Which it wasn’t. Until I got that email. Meh. Anyhoo, I went to and deleted that – we have Facebook to do all our reminding for us now, right?

et cetera