Not To Be Trusted With Knives











{May 13, 2006}   Red Wine and Free Sex Clinics

Just got home from dinner at a friend’s place… she lives downtown, so after our lovely dinner and a few bottles of wine*, I had to venture out to the craziness that is downtown Vancouver on a Friday night. Deciding that it wasn’t worth waiting for the 6 bus (that may or may not ever arrive) to take me up Davie St., I decided to walk it. So did another guy at the bus stop, so we chatted about being from Ontario** as we walked up the street. When I got to Howe St (where I could catch the 17 to get me home), he said, “Do you want me to write about you in “I Saw You“? “I Saw You” is this feature in a local paper, the Georgia Straight, where you can write a personal ad about the person you saw on the bus or in the grocery store or you made out with on the dance floor of some club but were to shy to ask for their phone number. I always read “I Saw You” in the hopes that someone would be so enamored with me that they’d need to write about it in the paper, but no one ever does. And this guy really wasn’t the guy I’d want to be writing about me. Boo!

So anyway, as I’m waiting for the 17, I start chatting with a couple of guys at the bus stop. They are from, surprize surprize, Ottawa, and they are giving a number of a company that hires people to teach English in Taiwan to a homeless person. Also, some random is passing a joint around. Anyway, we get chatting and the one guy asks me what I do and I say that I’m a scientist and he starts coming up with things that I should invent. Like a pill that makes your hair grow really fast, but your hair is pot. So you can cut your hair and smoke up. Then some other random on the bus (‘cuz the bus has arrived by this point) decides that the pill should also make your fingernails grow as rolling papers. Then he asks what’s the deal with us giving free crack to crackheads? And if we are doing that, why don’t we give out free alcohol? And free sex? You know, free sex clinics that give out whatever you like… like, a guy can walk in and say “Today I’d like big titties” or a girl can walk in and say “I’d like 8 inches today!” You know, I think he may have been on to something… but then again, I may just be drunk.

*Sarah, I’m starting to appreciate that you are right about red wine being an acquired taste.

**Pretty much everyone you meet here is originally from Ontario. I don’t think anyone actually lived in BC prior to 1997.

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Courtney-O says:

I’m all for the free sex clinic where I can walk in and put in a request for a dick as fat as a coke can.

If that reality ever arrives, I am SO MOVING to BC.

(Speaking of BC, I was watching a show on polygamy the other night, and they were chronicling a man who lives in Bountiful, BC, and has 26 wives and 100+ children. Freaky.)



Sarah says:

Mmm…red wine.

You are acquiring a taste for it faster than I did, though. The beauty of discovering alcohol a little later (i.e. after high school/first year) is that you can avoid the years I like to call the “Ernest & Julio Gallo White Zinfandel/Mike’s Hard Lemonade WASTELAND”.



Jorge says:

God invented BC to house all the extra potheads and scientists that were overrunning Ontario and getting into everyone’s petunias.

Re: Red Wine

Appreciated much more if you chew it.

Let me know how interested you are and I’ll send you a list of Red Winey goodness.



Jay says:

I have family in BC that were there since the 80s (granted, they are originally from Ontario…so far, that theory holds). 3/4 of them are potheads, but no love of petunias as far as I know.



Jorge says:

Jamie, you’ve obviously never had the indiscriminate munchies…



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